2000 Kelly Lockwood – Part 2: Haidu Diary.pdf

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Phenomenological MusicalHaiku. Diary
Haikus 1-24arepartofanclassassignment. Duringthese dates,Iamnot
connecting theHaikus todreams.
October 3,1999
Haiku1
Comments
Iwokeupfnistrated
October5,1999
Haiku2
Comments
ForWilliam
October11,1999
Haiku 3·
Comments
Thinking ofWendi
October12,1999
Haiku·4
Comments
Writingonvirtueandwonderingifangelsliveinthediabolus.
October18,1999
Haiku5
Comments
Michael’sSoul
October25,1999
Dream
I’minSanFranciscotalkingtotwomen,maybetheyarebrothers.
Theyhaveacampaigngoingfor1yearandoneday.Inthistimethewater
ofthiscreek willbeclean.Abunchofpeoplehavegatheredtohearthem
speak.IhavetogosellstuffatthetablesoIcan’tstayforthewholetalk.
Oneofthebrother’sI’mattracted to.Hehasquiteanego.Heasksthat
therebenotalkingwhilehe’stalking.Ilaughinside.Laterhecomesto
tellmehowgoodhecanmakemefeel. ItellhimI’mconcernedabouthis
ego.Hesaysthatishowhewillreachmyheart. Ibecomelustful.Before
thisthebrother’s tellmetheycanknowthedegreesofmymoonby
smellingmyroom.IthinkhowwelltheyknowthatIhaveacancer
moon. ButinrealityIhaveaTaurusmoon. AtonepointI’mhotsoIgo
tomycartochange intoabrightlycoloredtiedyeddress. Iknowhe’s

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watchingandthisiserotictome.Thereisanolderwomanthereand—–
somewhatinsultsherbycallingheranamethatimpliessheisfat.
Haiku6
Comments.. .
Aprescriptionfordeepeninglisteningandopeningtheheart’wound.
October31,1999
Dream
I’mwithThereseandAliceandotherstudents.Wearelearningand
I’mcleaning.Iseealargesnakecurledupunderthetable.Itstartsto
movesoIwalkdownthehallandstepintoabathroomandshutthedoor.
ThedoorislikeascreendoorsoIcansee.Thesnakegoesintoanother
room.IyelloutthatasnakehasenteredandanAsiangirl’svoicecalls
out.Sheisnotscared.ThenanothersnakecomesthroughthedoorandI
trytobestillasitsensesme.Itrynottohavefear.Thesnakeseemsto
haveasmileonitsface. Thensomethingfrightensit.Itwrapsaroundme
andbitesmywrist. ThenIholdontoitsverystrongnecksoitcan’tbite
meagain.IwonderhowIwillgetthesnakeoffwithoutkillingit.Then
ThereseandIareinthecar.IthinkwearegoingtotheDr.I’mtuninga
scaleonsomeinstrument. Shesaysasafriend,Ineedtoshowyouthis.
andsheretunesmyBnatural. Itwasflat.
Haiku7
Comments
Wind
Tune23.2000
Thispiecebecomesacomposition.
November8,1999
Haiku8
Comments
ContemplatingMary
November17,1999
Haiku9
Comments
Grandma’sbirthday
November20,1999
Haiku10
Comments
Afterahardclassmeeting,openheartwoundswithfaculty.

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January 31,2000
Dream
Tomwillnotwaitanylongerandstarts goinghomeusingthepaths. I
havetogowithhim.I’mrummagingthroughthegarbagedumpster. I.
seethese greattoys.Awomancomes byandassumes thatI’mhomeless.
Sheisaskingmeifeverythingisok.Theolikesagirlandaboy.Iheara
narratorsaythemoreshetrustedhim,thewilderhebecame.The
implication being thattrustwasnotgood.(inthiscase)
Haiku 11
Comments
Nervousness andfrustrationtoo.
February6,2000
Dream
I’monaseatthatisflyingaround.Ialmostfalloff.Ihavetostaywith
theseat,beonewithitorIwillfall.Therideisfastwithlotsofcrazy
turns, likeanamusementride.Atanotherpoint,someoneischasingme
andtheseat.Itrytospeedthechairwithmymind..Idon’tthinkithas
anyeffect.Theseatslowsthenjustasthepeopleareabouttocatchme,we
moveaway.Idon’tthinktheseathasabackorifitdoesitismorelikea
swiveldeskchair.
Haiku 12
February7,2000
Dream
I’mwalkingonanovergrownbutlovelygrassy path.Ihaveadogwith
me.He’sveryhyper.Ihavetobesomewhere.ThisisMiho’smother’s
housethatIampassingthrough.Herhusbandbeatsherbutshetellsme
herwifewillbehomelater.Itrytogetthroughthehousewiththedog.
InthebackItakesomestringtomakeacollar.IcallouttoMihotowait
becauseitisgettingdark. Idon’tknowtheway.IseeaSt.Bernard,Ithink
itisDolan.
I’minmyownhousebutIrealizethatIhavetogointhisoneroom.I
openthedoorandturnonthelightbutsomeoneissleepinginthebed.I
gooutandstartmyshowereventhoughallmybathingstuffisinthe
bathroomwiththesleepingperson.
Haiku13
February20,2000
Haiku14
Comments
I’msadbecause ofthetimepushinginonmytightthroat.Tears rush
upwardonthefirstnotebutIdon’tcry.Tighterthroatafter,afeelingof
solitude.

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February21,2000
Yesterday
IndaylifeIcameacrossabookwrittenbyDeannaDeutch.Iknowa
personofthisname,whoIhaven’tseeninyears.
Dreams
Deannaispregnantandshewantstohiremeasapersonalassistantfor
thetimesrightbeforeherbirthandrightafter.Shealsowantsmetoplay
harpforthebabyafteritsbirth. Thepayisterrible,butI’mconsideringit.
Shehasmegocheckonherotherkid,[una.Igointhebedroomwitha
cupwithatopthatyoungkidsuse,fullofwarmwater.IwatchJuna,an
orangecatwake.slowly,Isoothe herbecauseshehasnotmetmebefore.
ThenI’minahallwalkingwithSunny.Heisdressedlikehiswedding.
Hehasbeenawayforayear.Hisenergyhaschanged.Heismore
confident.IstarttocryasMayaandSunnyreunite.Mayaishappybutnot
overlyemotional.SomeoneasksmewhetherI’mhappyorsad.Isay
happy,butthencheckinwithmyselfandcan’tdecide.
AlittleboywhoIcallSean,thoughhedoesn’t looklikeSean.Hishair
isthickandgoesineverydirectionpossible.Karlacomesoverandloves
thekidup.WewillstartDeanna’sbirthsoon.
I’matagasstationinanoldermodelcar.Mywindowisrolleddown
asIgetgas.Amancomesthroughmywindowasking mewhereI’ve
gottenallmymoneytoaffordacar.Helooksatallthestuffinthe.carand
takesapairofscissorsthataredisconnected.Herunsoutandkill2Black
menwiththescissors.Imoveinsidethegasstationandwatchashegoes
throughmycar.Iworrythathewillbeinmyhome.People(mostly
Black)aremourningthedeathofonemaninparticular.Thehegetsup
andthoughdisoriented,hisfirstthoughtsareofhiswife.Iunderstand
thistobeanewman.I’minmybathroomcleaningToni’slitterbox,
whenIhearsomethinginmylivingroom. Idon’tknowwhethertolook
ornot.IhearthesongwesangatNewYears,”takethetimetorealize”.
Andsomechants.
Haiku15
Comments
Idon’tfeelin’withthisHaiku.ItisverysimplebutIlostitinthe
translation.
February22,2000
Dreams
IgotoMayaandWendi’s community.ABlackwomanconductsone
ofthepieces. Sheisjustlearningaboutconducting.Igotothesideofthe
roadandampickingupgarbage.Thereisaropewithbuckettiedtoit
everysooften.Iputthegarbageinthebuckets.I’mlyingdownandfeela
snakeslideovermyneck. Ithasabrightyellowstripe.Mybrotheris
there. IhearCherishAllThings.At4:30IwaketothetagofSalveregina,
whichweplayedavigilthedaybefore.

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Sharon,LauraandKellyareateam.Weallcometogether.Laura
singingverydeepandloudasifdeepcrying.Iamplayingthisway
watching.SharonandLauraarecryingdeeply.
Haiku16
.Comments
Lookingattheblueskybeforesunrise.
Haiku17
Comments
Helen’svigil
Haiku18
Comments
John’svigil
NodatesbutbetweenFebruary23andMarch9,2000
Dreams
Dreamofgoingoverandoveramusicalproblem,avaguesenseof
learning.
Haiku19
Haiku20
Comments
Sadwithselfpity.Ican’trememberhowtoplaymusic,rememberchords
ormelodies.ImisshomethoughIdon’tknowwherethatis.
Haiku21
Haiku22
Haiku23
Comments
Aprescription
Haiku24
Comments. .
Stillinbed,veryanxiousaboutprofessionalpaper.
1.Turnmindoff
2.Silence
3.Enter

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Marchio,2000
Dreams.,.
LoishasadaughterandI’mcomingovertosingwithbothofthemand
havedinner.BeforethisIwasbuying2flowersforaJapaneseflower
arrangement. ThegirlhelpingmewaswearingclotheslikeIhaveandshe
wasJapanese.BeforethisIwaswalkingonahilltellingsomemanthat
thewhiteoutsmellwasbad.Hetookitandsmelledit,sayinghedidn’t
knowwhattheoriginalsmellwassupposetobe.I’mrunningwaterand
thecolorisallrusty.Largesnakesareallabout.Ifeelonecrawlupmy
shirt.Myheartisabitsore,butIfeelpeaceful.
Haiku25
Comments
Thestillnessofthemorningislovely.Minorfeel,mysteriousF.Repeats
todeepentheworld.Beginswithanoctave,asecureuniverse?TheF
knocksmeoffthenbacktotheoctaveforstability.DropofaMajor6this
veryodd,inmyvocalrangethiswouldberightthroughthethreshold,but
sowouldtheoctave.6thistheheartmoaning.AAhhheavenly.
MarchII,2000
Dreams
I’minacircleofpeopleandweareplayingcards.ScottandMackall
broughtmebutnowIdon’tseeMackall.Idon’tknowhowtoplaythe
gameandeverymoveImakeiswrong.ThefirstthingIdoisputdown4
clowns.I’mtoldIshouldhavekeptthose.Thecardsarevisacardsandall
thecardsaredifferentthenaregulardeck. Lauriecallsmeonthecell
phoneanasksmewhatsheshoulddoaboutherplaying.Sheisthinking
ofgoingoffcalluntilshecanplaybetter.Itellherthatsheshouldwait
untilsheispersonallytoldsheisdoingabadjob.Ihavetowalkaroundto
keepagoodconnectionwithher.IwasoriginallyonlandlikeLisa’s.I
endupnearthehighwayandIseemyparentsdriveby.Theyareboth
drivingoldmodelcars.TheyareconcernedbecauseIwaslatewithmy
rent. Ireassurethemthateverythingisok.Theygettoseeallthefreaky
peopleontheland.
Haiku26
Comments
I’mnervousaboutbeingoncall.MystomachisflutterythoughI’mnot
oncalluntil2.I’mworriedandtryingtogetoutofmyself.
March12,2000
Dreams
I’minahugeforesthiking.Thereare2trailsandIdecidetodotheless
maintainedtrail.Thefirststepontothetrailisagiantstepoverahuge
treestump.Iamhavingtroublegettingoverthestep.Thereisayoung
tendertreethatIcanhold,butIdon’t wanttoputallmyweightonit,for
fearofuprootingit.Ikeepfallingback.Amanappearsatfirstactingasto
helpandthenhestartstryingtorapeme.Ikeepkickinghim,butmykicks

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don’treallymakeanimpact.Iturntoflee.Igodownthemountainside.
Hecatches meoncebutIgetawayagain.Heseemstoberightbehindme,
likeashadoworparallelmotion.’.Atthebaseofthemountainisa
monastery..Irunintoitforprotection.ItelltheFatherthereaboutthe
man.Hedoesn’tseemoverlyconcerned andtellsmethatthemensleep
ononesideofthemonastery andthewomenontheother.Thistroubles
meevenmore. Themonasteryissohugethattherapistcouldgo
undetected. Isense thatheisherenowactinglikeanangel. .Itryandget
mybearings. ThenI’msinginginachoirthatLizTagamiisconducting.
DolanandIaresingingbass. Thechoirissmall.ThenI’minanRV.rIP.
hungry andnotsurewhen wewilleat.
Haiku 27
Comments
Aminormotionofmountain.Motionthenwholenotes.(taperecorded).
Mysterious, space,misty.
March13,2000
Dreams
I’msittinginfrontofmycomputer,buttheseatisatoilet. Hillycomes
andasksmetohelpherwithsomethingonthecomputer..Shesaysthe.
$7.50manualiscompletelyworthless.Igetupandstartwipingmybut,
thenflush. AsI’mleavingHillycomesupandsayspoopoo.Ilookand
alloverthetoiletseatisdried shit,whichIstarttoclean.ThenI’m
aroundabunchofoldcars.I’mwithafriendandwedancearoundthe
cars. Wehavedecidedthatwearenotfollowingtheparadigmthat
womendon’tknowaboutcars.WearedancingtoanIrishjig.Beforethis
TSSwasupsetwithme.ShetoldmethatasherassistantIneedtobe
present. Itoldherthatifshe’d call,I’dcome.OtherwiseIcouldn’tjustbe
present allthetime.Sherunstothelake.Idon’tknowifsheislaughing
orcrying.IfollowherputtingmychangepurseonthesebenchesbeforeI
gointhecoldwater.
Haiku28
Comments
UpwardtoGod(taperecorded)
March14,2000
Dreams
I’mrunningtocatchtheferry. Everydayafteralongdayofclassor
workingonschoolwork,Idoridetheferryinthedarknight.Ijustmake
itontimeandsitdown.ItisdarksoIdidn’tnoticethatIsatnextto
Jocelyn. Shesays,isn’titabeautifulevening.I’msurprisedtoseeher,but
Iknowshetakes theferrytoherhome.Wechat. Sheseesafriendofhers
andinvitesthefriendtoherwedding.Therewillbealotofmusic.She
starts singingDiesiraewhichIhaven’theard.Thescholawillsingitat
thewedding. Igoandtalktothelaundrylady.Ihaveseenheratwork
fourdaysinarow.Shelooks tired.SheisyoungerthanmeandIlikeher

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alot.IamaskingherwhenIcouldgetsomeclothesdrycleaned.Thereis
amantheretoo.Aswetrytofigureoutthetiming,hethrowsinhaving
dinnerwithhim..Thedeanclothesladyasksmeif!couldgetsome
storagespaceforherbrotherorlover’scarbusiness.Inexchangehecould
fixupmycar.ItellherthatIonlyrent,butI’llaskmylandlord.’ Ileave
feelingverythankfulorgracedbythenightferryrides.Theyarebeautiful
andbringmeasenseofcommunity.Iheartheactualsoundofthe
drippingwateroccasionallyfrommykitchenfaucet,inmydreamit
becomessoundslikespeakingintongues.
Haiku29.
Comments
Iwokewithadeepfeelingofcalmandpeace.Gracedbymydream.
Startedthinkingaboutmyphenomenologyprojectandgotanxious.
March15,2000
Dreams
Sharonishelpingmegetreadyforatrip.Ihavebeenhomeallday
withafever,butnowI’mclammy. Sharonisdrivingabigvan.Weare
doingsomekindoferrands.ThenI’minmyapartmentgettingreadyto
leave.I’mtryingtofigureoutwhattodowithmyplantsbecausemy
roomwillnotbehermeticallysealed.Iamonlytakingonebag(likea
purse). ItightenupmytennisshoesthenIwonderwheremyhiking
bootsare.2guysaregoingwithme.Idon’tknowthemwell.Theyseem
likefraternityboys.I’mnottakinganymoney.Iwillhavetobegineach
townIgoto.IwakeupwonderingaboutToni(mycat).
Haiku30
Comments
Ihadn’tbeenthinkingofthispiece,butafterthefirst3notesIhadtoplay
it.Ishouldhavegoneon,butIfeltsatisfied.
March16,2000
Yesterday
IhadavigilwithSharilynindaylife.
Dreams
Idreamthatsheisinmyclosettryingonallofmyclothes.Itellher
thatshelooksgreatinpastels.Sheputsonmysweaterwiththepastel
flowersandmybrowncoatwiththefurrinessontheinside.Shelooksin
themirrorandcommentsthatshecan’tseehermakeup.IsayIcansee
theblueandgreen..
Haiku31
Comments
StillthinkingaboutthevigilforSharonRider.

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March17,2000
Dreams
.Thereisamannexttomeinmybed.Helooksabitlikemyfather.I
..realizethatI’mdreamingsoIdecidetomakehimgoaway,becauseIdo
nottrusthim.Hedoesn’tjustgoawayandlenduphittinghim.Iam..
lyinginmybedandheispressingonmeandchokingme.Itrywithall
mymighttogethimoffofme,butheisverystrong. IseeToni(mycat)in
theroom.AsIslowlycomeawakeIseethetraceofhisarmoverme.It
takesmealongwhiletofeelmylegsandmyhandsarecrossedovermy
chest.
Idreamasecondtimeofthissamemanchokingme.Iwakeinthis
dreamwithpiecesofmyowntongueinmymouth. Ipealoffasinewy
coveringthatwasovermytongue.Ihearadescendingintervaloverand
over.
IhaveathirddisturbingdreamthatIcannotrecall.
Haiku32
March18,2000
Dreams
I’matmyparent’shouse,onthelawn.Wehaveputoutallthestuff
wedon’twant. Ahomelessmancomesbyandbitterlytalksunderhis
breathabouthowmuchcrappeoplearewilling togivehim. Iwakewith
TheCloudinmyhead.
Haiku 33
Comments
Makingmyselfgomajorfeelsforcedandclichelike,butI’mgoingwithit.
Thelastchord,notme!
March19,2000
FullMoon2144
Dreams
Michaelhadtogivemeaninjectioninthearm.Myimpressionisthat
Iwaslackinginsomething.TheshotwasverypainfulandIcouldfeelthe
injectionbeingpushedintomybloodstream.
Haiku34
March20,2000
Dreams
Iamdoingathreeyearprograminenvironmentalstudies. EachyearI
liveonthedifferentsideofamountain.I’mexcitedandIwonderwhy
I’mnotstudyingmusic. Ihavetroubleunderstandingallthewomanis
tellingmeaboutmyprogram.Therearepiecesofhayorsomeotherdried
plantoverphrases,thatI’mnotsupposedtoreceive.
Haiku35

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March21,2000
Dream
Awomanwhowasinher60’sisplayingtheviolininabar.’Shehad
somementalissuesinherlifebutshecouldalwayspullittogetherto’play
theviolininthebar.Ihadheardofherasachildbutwroteheroff.Now,
I’minterestedandmovedbyhermusic.
March22,2000
Dream
Awomaniswatchingme,Idon’tknowwhethersheissupportiveof
meorcondemning.IhavetoworkwithherOnaproject. I’mmissingthe
middleofthedream.Attheendsheiswearingthisnecklacethatisa
simpleteardropofgreenlayeredstone.Itissimple,earthyanddeepin
color,notshiny.Iloveit.
March23,2000
Dream
AllIcanrememberismycousin,Perry.
March24,2000
Dream
SuzanneandIaregoingtoabarcalledHeavenandHellorHeaven.
nestHell.(WritingmyhermeneuticonHell,PurgatoryandHeaven.)I
wakewiththesongI’mcomposing(Thisbody…)inmyhead.
April2,2000
Yesterday
Playedat2vigilswithLindaandAnna,workingwiththebreath.Awalk
withHillyandKarla.DinnerwithSuzanneandKarla.Thefoodwas
wonderfultome,fellasleepat8:30PM.
Dreams
Nodreamswereremembered.Thewindwasveryloudandheavy
rain.Itwaswarmlastnight,likeatropicalrainstorm.
Haiku36
Comments
Idon’twanttoplaymore.I’msadandneedtimeforquiet,thesolonotes
areenough.Thestormsandlashingwindshaveinterruptedmysleep.
Theheldtoneiscomfortingandinitssimplicityiscomplexity.Thereisso
muchgoingonwithasinglepluckedtone:.harmonicsandthenthemany
tonesdancearoundlikeadropofwateronahotcookingpan.Thesound
dissipates,yetitspresencegrowsstrongerasitsvoicegoestosilence.The
tonecandrawoutmytoxins.NowIwonderifthisiswhatIwasdoing
withBill,soothinganddrawingoutwithonetone.

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April 3,2000
Yesterday· .
AclassmeetingatAnna’shouse intheeveningwithapotluck. Talked
withScott. Timechange.WritinganarrativeforJohnandthinkingabout
bloodandlossofvitality.Whatistheantidote?
Dreams
Asense ofsnakes. IhearAnnaaskmewhatistheantidote.Iwake
withaterriblestomach acheandstarttomoaninahighpitch.
Haiku37
Comments
TocalmmymindIrandomlyopentoapageinapoetrybook.
.TheCourseofMysticalLove
OhTrinity,restoreineachofusyourImageandLikenessof
DivineLove,andperfectusinyourholiness,thatwise,
compassionate affection.Purifyourmindsandwillsofpoisonous
cynicism, despair,inertia,andignorance.Letusleavebehindall
egotism,self-seeking andsin.
WayneTeasdale:UnitedStates,twentiethcentury
Thewordpoisonousstandsouttome.AmIcynical?TheHaikustarts
witharhythmbutquicklymovestounmetered.Eachphrasegets
progressively higher.Thelastphraseisshort.Inthesecondphraseisa.
largejumpdownandup.Thepieceneverreturnstowhereitstarted. The
shortphrasebothersme.Itdoesn’tflowwell.
Haiku 37A
Twohours laterItryandrecallthisHaiku. Idorecallit.
Tune7,2000
IremembertheHaiku.IdidnotwritethisatthetimebutIhadthisthought
ofitremindingmeofsomeoneelse’ssong. ItdefinitelyismeteredinD
major.Myimpressionofthepiecenowisnotveryauthentic,comingfrom
anothertimeandplace,maybea50’scommercial.
April4,2000
NewMoon1112
Yesterday
Hadaharplesson.TalkedwithDanonthephone.I’msad,he’sbeen
diagnosed withHIV.Iknowhewillliveforalongtime,butI’msad.He
wasnotgoingtoprocessemotions.Hekeptsayingthere’snothingIcan
do.Itmakes mewanttobeathomeevenmore,buttherewentmysecond
spermdonor.AbigkisstoDan.

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Dreams
Avaguenotionofmovingupsteps. Iwasworkingwiththesecond
step,anunconditionallovingthatisrepresentedintheheartgrowingand
beatingallofone’slife:Ihavetobeawareofit,tomaintainit.Iwakesad
aboutDan.
Haiku38
Comments
BeforeIstartedmyHaikuIaskedwhyAIDSandopenedto:
r.
BecauseGodLovesIt
Godshowedmeinmypalm
Alittlethingroundasaball
Aboutthesizeofahazelnut.
Ilookedatitwiththeeyeofunderstanding
Andaskedmyself:
“Whatisthisthing?”
AndIwasanswered:”Itiseverythingthatiscreated.”
Iwonderedhowitcouldsurvivesinceitseemedsolittle
Itcouldsuddenlydisintegrateintonothing.
I
Theanswercame:”Itenduresandeverwillendure,
BecauseGodlovesit.”
Andsoeverythinghasbeing
BecauseofGod’slove.
JulianofNonohich:Englandc.1342-c.1413
MyHaikuhasawashedout,nottotallybornfeeling,butaninteresting
formthatiscompelling.Icannottellthekey,butGisveryimportant.
Risinglinefollowedbyharmony,M6,PS,M6andthenharmonywitha
stepwisemelodiclinethatdoesnotdescendorascendfar,endingwitha
melodiclineupward.ThelastintervalofthislineisM6,whichleavesan
unendedfeeling. Theharmonieshavesomedissonance.Majortonality.
Tune7r2000
Atthisstageofmydiary,Idon’twriteanythingaboutthevalueofthismusicthatI’m
composingtomylife.I’mscaredofcreatingartificialmeaningoverthemusic.Butonly2
monthslaterandI’mmuchmorecomfortablewiththis. HopefullyIhaven’tcompletely
brainwashedmyselfIseetheopenendedcompositionasaresponsetothe.questionwhy
AIDS.Theirisbothapeacefulnesstothe’piecearisinghopeintheupwardmelodicline
andanunresolvedyetcompellingendingoftheM6.Thisisnotaneatansweredquestionbut
amysterious,somewhatunbalancedresponsetothequestion.

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April5,2000
Yesterday .
Applicants wereatschool.:WehadaFollowingandLeadingandBreath
Symposium.Lauriewasupset. Ijogged.Danonmymind.
Dreams
I’mtypingapaperdueinthemorning. WendiandMayahavethe
same paper. Thereisamusicalpartandanacademicpart. Ihave2pages
oftheacademics, butwewanttogotoamovie,soI’llcomeoverearlyand
finish. Themusical isduelater.InWendiandMaya’sbathroomisan
answeringmachine whichyoucouldalsovoteforpeopleonit.Mayawas
running forsome office..Thismachineallowedpeoplewhousually don’t
votetovoteforher.
Tonistartsdrinkingfromthesouppotthat’sonthefloorandScott
comes andwhacksheraway.Itellhimwithtearyeyesonnouncertain
terms thatIwilldoanythingforhim,butheistoneverhitmycat.There
isamomentthathewantstofightmywordsbecausemyfingerispointed
athiminathreateningway,butherethinksthatandagrees.
ThereisacouplethatIlivewithandthewomanhasadaughter.Itake
thedaughteralmostliketrickortreating,butwegointhehousesandlook
attheirgardens.Sheisallovertheplace.IseeSuzanneandshesaysthat
didIknowthatthemaincaretakerofthedaughteristhefather.Isaidyes.
ThenabunchofusareatTherese’s. Sheistellingusthatshewas
stayingatCarlosCastaneda’shouseandhehadawonderfulBach
recordingwhichshereproduced. Itwasawonderfulrecording.
I’mplayingtheharplikeflamencoandusingrhythmonthesides.
(Wedidthisinlesson).
Haiku39
Comments
Tune7,2000
can’trememberthepiece,butIlikeit.Therepeatingmotifinthe
beginningsetsupandifferentworld,slightlymysteriousormischievous.
Thepiecestartsinmajoryetendsinminor. Ilinktheseemingly
unconnectedpartsofmydreamtothewaythatthispieceisstructured.
Thereisalightnesstothepiece,somehowencouragingmenottofigure
outtheparts,justtolivewiththem.
April6,2000
Yesterday
Lesson withLois.Cleanedmyhouse.AndreaandIsangintheevening.
AndreasaidthatshealwaysasksLindahowsheisandIrealizethatI’m
notinclinedtothis.NotbecauseIdon’tcare,butitissomekindof
teacher/studentboundaryI’mholding.Idon’tlikethataboutmyself.
Dreams
LoisandJaneandIhaveavigil.Janehas123vigils butstillisnotsure
aboutleading.

Haiku40
Comments ”
BeforetheHaiku,IaskmyselfwhereandwhatarethesemusicalHaikus.
I’mreachingouttoconnect,to’bepartoftheorganizingforcesofthe.
universe,thesoftnessoflove,learningandforgiveness,thechallengeof
devotionandwill. Isithereandfeelnothing.Iwonderisitallaboutme.
HowlongdoIhavetositbeforeI’mdescendedupon.Thepoetryseemsto
alignme.Butmusically,Iputmyselfinaspaceofsilenceorpuretone.I
wanttobeabletodropin.IfeelwarmthhappeningasIwrite.Something
(one)isslowlyapproaching.Ilisten5timestoatone.Followingthe
sounduntilInolongerhearit,butIsenseitvibratingon.I’mreadytodo
theHaiku.TheHaikustartslowandmajor,movinghigherandmore
minor.Endinginsyncopation.
Tune7,2000
ReadingoverthedreamIrealizedthatJane’s123correspondstoher
address.TheHaiku’ssyncopationissimple,butIhavetocounttobe
readytoswitchmybodytoplayitnaturally.Ithinkofitasashakingup.
ImpressionoftheHaiku: easyandflowinggreenhillsideschangingtothe
actionofclimbingoverrandomlargerocksinthepath.Stillfun,buta
differentbodyadjustment.
April7,2000
Yesterday
WalkwithDolan.
Dreams
WoketoNightSong. Alsohadctobflatgoonoverandover,from
Imparadisum.
Haiku41
Haiku41A
ArecalloftheoriginalHaiku.
Comments
Thef#tothegishelpingmecomeintomybody.Therhythmicpattern
isbothgroundingandannoying/nagging.Themelodyisintheupper
registeroftheharp.3/4meter.Thisisremindingmeoftheclassmeeting,
arounddecidingaboutclothesfortheconcert.
TuneS,2000
Myimpressionofthemusicisastreamofconsciousnesslikeflow.All
thoughtsblendingtogetherwithanoccasionalspace.Thef#togrepeats
often,beingeitheraguidemarkoranannoyance.
14

15
April8,2000
Yesterday
IsawBoysDon’tCryaboutamanwhoisbiologically awoman.Heis
rapedandkilledbytwopsychopaths.BrendanTina
Dreams .
I’mdreamingofscholaorvigils. Weareagroupsingingbutweeach
singasamaleorafemale.Thisconfusespeopleandmakesthemscaredof
us.Iwakethinkingofthemovie.
Haiku 42
Haiku42A
Recalloftheoriginal.
Comments
IstartinsilencethinkingofBrandenTina.TheHaikuisinFMajor. A
risinglineofpraise,arisinglineofdevotion,Therese’smotif”singing”,a
risinglineofpraise.IendtheHaiku,withanimageofthenurseinthe
movie.Shewasaverycompassionate,understandingprofessional.
Ithinkofthelarynxasandrogenous?
June8,2000
Idon’tknowwhatImeantbytheandrogenouslarynxexceptthatmaybe
thisistheplacewherewecanbeginandrogeny.Thestoryofthismovie
madeahugeimpactonme.Honoringfreedomofexpressionwithina
worldthatissoconfining.MyHaikuisidealisticinresponsetotheterror
ofseeingsuchbrutalitybyfellowhumans.Iamhopefulandsingingfirst
inthefemalerangeandtheninthemalesignifiestheplaceofpossible
fruitionconcerningevolution.
April9,2000
Haiku43
Comments
Oddendingonthe7th.TheHaikustartsmajorandendsmoreminor.
ThesingingfromAuroralivesoninme.IendedupsingingtheHaiku
ratherthanplayingontheharp.
June8,2000
Myimpressionofthetwopiecesisasenseofpeace,butknowinghow
muchthemoviebotheredme,Iseethisasawayofcomingtopeace
aroundtheevilofhumanityandthelimitationsofculture.I’mstill
upset.Whydoesthe”singing”motifcomeinsostrongintomy
consciousnessnow.Ican’tbelievethatitisamessageofcomeonlet’s
singtogether.Iwonderaboutthe5thchakra,thelarynx,thepassageofair,
thehumanbodyasaninstrument. Themovieissoupsetting.Ican’t
believethatwearesocapableofhurtin,rapin,killin,silencing.

16
April10,2000
Yesterday
Dreams
I’minthemidstofasymphonyofsoundmadevocallybymany
people.ThereissomethingfunnyaboutallofthedifferentsoundsandI
laughandwakemyselfup.IstartthinkingofthedreamwhereIheardthe
waterdrippingandtranslatedthattotalkingintongues.Whenyour
sleepingthesoundismoreintense,slowedinasensesoallofthedetails
arise. ..~
Haiku44
Haiku44A
RecallofHaiku44
Haiku44B
AnotherHaikuthatsamemorning.
Comments
IhaveawalkandbreakfastbeforeIsitdown. Iamfeelingresistantto
sittingdownandplaying. IflashuponHellensoopentoreceivingsound.
Ikeephearingthe”singing”ofAurora.Sittinginsilence,I’mnotfeeling
activatedtomove,soIreadapoem. ..
TheGreatDeathuncoverswhatZencallsthe”OriginalFace,”thatisthe
natureofselfbeforeGodsaid: “LettherebeLight!”(Kramer,63)Ithink
aboutmyownoriginalface.
April11,2000
Dreams
IhearAnna’svoicesayingthatitisdifferentwith…(can’trecallthe
rest).TheTagami’shavebeeninthebackofmymindforawhilenow.
VagueremembrancesofLizdrivingacarwithmeandmyfolksinit.
Somethingabouthowshelovedtheeastcoast.
Haiku45
Comments
IsitdownandimmediatelyhearthesingingofAurora. ThehighAof
thisHaikuremindsmeofthepieceI’msingingtodayasasolo.
June12,2000
SuperficiallytheahattheendremindsmeofThisBody.Movesfrom3/4
and4/4.AuroraalsogoestothehighAintheplanetssection.

17
April12,2000
Yesterday
Ahugedayofplayingmysolocompositionandhavingtohearmyname
repeatedamilliontimesinclass.ThenIdidthisterriblelaughingthingat
Linda,whenTSSwasaskinghertoplaythisimpossiblepiecewith
fingernails. Iapologized toLindatoday,buthavefeltsosad.Shesaid.it
wasanimalistic. Iagreeinaway,likesomeonelaughingatapersonwho
can’twalkorabullycrueltypething.ButIdidn’tplaymyHaikuthis
morning.IkeptputtingitoffandthenforgotandnowafterapologizingI
feelIcanplay.Ipracticed butIcouldn’tgototheHaikuwork.EvennowI
feeltooashamed orsomething.· I’mtellingmyselftogetoverit.
Haiku46·
Comments
7PM.ThisisallIcanwrite.Iplayedmanyoddfingerpatternsnot
parallel,slightlyoff.
June12,2000 _
Verysadandminor.Notacompleteideabutanintroduction.Both
handswantinganintegrationora.harmonizin,maybeneedingashift
fromminortomajor.Dminor,4/4,4measures.
April13,2000
Yesterday
Ifeellikeafraudwithallthisattentiononmymusicality.Istillam
havingLindaonmymind.Feelingbadandtryingtoletitgo.Butitis
goodtosufferandlearntoo.Gentleness.
Dreams
I’mwithKathyandKeithandKath’ssisters.Ican’ttellKathandher
sisters apart.Theyallhavethickglasses.Keithistryingtogetajobasa
musicteacherinmusictheoryandcomposition,buthedidonething
wrongonhistest.Hedidn’t exactlycheat,butsomethingliketakingthe
testwithopenbook, wheneveryoneelsediditwithaclosedbook. Iwake
uptoCircleMeOhGodandtheraincomingdown.
Haiku47
Comments
TheparalleleighthnotesarecomingfromtheSalterello.Ifeellike
havingmovement andpulsethroughme.I’mlongingforrapidtempo
andsmallmovementsofthefingers,buttechnicallyIcan’tholdthis.The
fourthinrnrn4isnoticeable.Ierasedtheoriginalending.Ihateendings
thatsoundsodone.ItremindsmeofahugeclicheandI’mnot
comfortablewithit.
June12,2000
FromthedreamI’msensingthatIhadalotofselftorturearoundthe
feelingofbeingafraudmusician/composer. TheHaikutodayhasalot
morepeaceinit.Theconsonantchordsholdafieldoforder. Theending

18
isaquestion. ThepreviousHaikuhadparallelSthsthatstood” outascold
tome,withmoredissonancesthatwereangryratherthanlightfilled.” .
April14,2000
Haiku48
Comments
Istartwithsilenceandthenwarmupabitontheharp.” Iuseoctavesand
gofromwideintervalstosmallerintervals.Ifeelthatheadconfusion
headachethatIgetwhenI’mactivatingorintegrating.Ihavethiswith
transpositionandinversions.Thefirstphraseisslightlymoremajorthen
thesecond.Thesecondendswithafourth.Ihaditismymindto;
experimentwiththeseaspectsfromoneofthemanythingsthatTSS.
lecturedaboutyesterday.Iwonderwhythisoneandthepolyrhythms
stickinmyheadthemost. Frustratedfromnotrememberingmydreams.
June12,2000
ItlookslikeIhavemovedawayfromallthatIwasdealingwiththe
preceding2days.ThisHaikuisverydifferent.Thewideintervalsdo
stretchmetoholdthemtogetherasoneexperience, andthenendingwith
thefourth.Ilikethefourthbecauseitleavesamysteriousfeeling.· Ifeelat
homeinthis.
April15,2000
Dream
Deusmeussoundedthroughmostofthenight,slowlywiththechords.
sometimesIwasstuckonanareaof2notes,doingitoverandover.
Haiku49
Comments
Istartwithsilence,thenjustplay,usingthetaperecorder.Goingbackand
transcribingitisimpossible.OhmyGod,whatameter.Ifindoutthatthe
meterisalwayschanging,butitneverfeltthatwaytome.TheHaiku.”
seemstohaveaverydispersedpoint. Thewholepiecewasvery.
frustratingtonotate.Idon’tknowmyintervalssoittakesalongtime
figuringeverythingout.Themusicitselfisfrustrating.Ilikedplayingit
againafteritwasnotated,butIdidnotrecognizeitasmyself.I’mfeeling
likeI’mgettingacold.
June12,2000
IrememberhowunbelievableitwastomethatIcouldplaysomethingso
easilyandthenittakesmehourstonotate.Playingitnow,Ican
rememberwhatIwasdoin,buttoreadthemusicandlearnitisnotthe
wayIhadexperiencedit.Itjustcameouteasilywithtwohands.Thenit
willtakememuchpracticetoreproduceit.

19
April 16,2000.
Dream
Therearenewinternsalongsideofmyclass.WehavecometoaVigil
withJocelyn.Thenewinterns arereallyconfused anditwasanoddvigil.
Isaysomethingthatstartsupaconversationaboutthevigilinfrontofthe
family.Istarttowalkaway.Jocelynburstsintotheroom,whichislikea
glass roomforwaiting andsaysstop.ShesaysthatIwaswrong.Sheasks
whoisconfused aboutthevigilandweallraiseourhands.Thenshe
starts crying.I’mconfused too,shesays.Jocelynasks, “Doyouknowhow
.Iknow?Because I’mtiredandcrying.”Shedramatically walks out.We
getfoodfrom thecafeteria.IfeellikeIwasthedarkonewhoplantedthe
seedofdestruction.
Haiku 50
Comments
Ifeltsickduringthenightwithchillsanddizziness,butI’mokinthe
morning.Istartwithsilence.IhaveTheRiveris’Wideinmyhead.My
impressionisavoicethatisnotsomuchcomfortingbutvoicingthisasa
partofhumanness,notokingitbutexploring.Itisinterestingtochange
to3/4.”toseeherface”comesfromamother’sdaysongIwrotewhenI
was8or9or10.Aminorfeelslikeaverydeveloped,knownpartof
myself.Whatisthismusic?andthisdream?Theyshowitinmylife
whenIamin-betweenworlds. IaminthedreamworldbutI’mableto
pullfragmentsbackintotheeverydayworld.Idosometimessenseallof
thisactivityaroundme.Maybetheconsciousworld(everyday)ismytime
ofsilenceandonlywiththismandatoryexperiencewillIhearmydreams
inmusic.Maybemysilentworld,theeveryday, needstobeactively
experiencedassilencesoIcanhearmoreintheotherworld.Wheredoes
musiccomefrom?IfIamslowingmyaudiblesensingdown,allsounds
becomemusic.AmImusic?Aneverchangingmelodicexpression
literally.Mybodysaysnotexactly.Thesoundisnotoriginatingfrommy
body,mybodyislivinginanactivatingstreamlikeamagnetthatdraws
sound.Themagnetisthesong,music,andsound.Mybodycanbe
attractedandsoundedtothismagnet.Somethingwrongwiththistoo
because Iamthemagnetattractingmyselftosing.I’mcallingmyself.I’m
responding tomyself.
June12,2000
ReadingApril16,Ican’tunderstandtodayallthatIwasexcitedlywriting
about.
April17,2000
Dream
Ikeephearing”walkovertheline.” I’mwalkingbesidearailroad
track. Somepeople havepassedmeonhorses.Iseeatraincoming,there
isn’tmuchroom,butItrytogetawayfromthetrack. Itpasseswithgreat
speed.Anexplosionhappensandweallgathertogether.Iwanttokeep

20
going.IhavefrozenfoodinmybackpackandIdon’twantittomeltall.
over.Oaudeisthere.Heismyfriend’sbrotherwhohasneverreally
enteredtheworld.Anoldhippy,-laidback,worksinalibrary,butdoesnot
loveit.Heissupposedlyagoodguitaristbutdoesn’tliketeaching.which
hedoes.
Haiku51
Comments
Tape.recordingprocess.Iholdthewords’steppingovertheline’Ididn’t
realizethe.piecewasmostlyin3/4.Iwantedsomethingstrongandsolid
thoughIdon’t endupappreciatingthesoundsofthesesounds.Itislikea
churchhymn.’ Tooheavyandpredictable.IknowIusedsomeinverted
chordsbutcouldnotheartheminthetape.Theprocessoftranscribingis
fulloffrustration.In30secondsIcanplayapieceandthenittakes1hour
totranscribe(andIdon’tlikeit).Therailroadtracksarestayingwithme.I
rememberanotherdreamabouttrainsIhadduringthesummer.Trains
haveahardtimestoppingbecauseofalltheirmomentum..Thereis
somethinggraveaboutthispiecemaybethatIwillenduppredictableand
leadenifIdon’tmove.Themusicdoeshauntmeinthisway,athreatof
stacked3rdsfortherestofmylife..Astagnant,lifelessness,likefrozen
food.Idon’tthinkthereareanynutrientsinfrozenfood.Inmydreamit
wasfrozencheeseraviolis.SomethingthatI’mnoteatingnow,buthave
reliedoninthepast. Oops.It’sinterestingthatIthinkofstackedchordsas
strongyetwhatIendupfeelingispollutedbytheirstableness.Iendwith
abrokenchord,maybeasignofhope.
June12,2000
Iplaythisagainanditirritatesmeagain.Itactuallygivesmethecreeps.I
thinkabouthowlirritatemyself,bybeingtheway1alwaysam.
Experiencingthingsinthesameway,creatingthesamesituations.You
can’t tellmethatI’msupposetolovethis.
Apri118,2000
FullMoon1117
Yesterday
FullMoonandBleeding.
Dream
I’mwithagroupofmusicthanatologistsandmanypeoplehave
beepers.Peoplearecomingandgoingoffshifts,butacoregroupis
gathered,eating.Onewomanwithanaccentistellingmeabouther
trainingcomparedtohersister’sinmusicthanatology.Someonehasher
beeperonandanoldsongfromchildhoodcomesup.Idon’tknowit,
maybeitisEuropean. Manypeoplestartsinging.ItisliketheABCsong.
Thereisasmallboyandhebeginssingingandplayingthestovelikea
xylophone.Thisissomethingsomeonetaughthimandhejust
automaticallygoesintoitwithmusic.Hismomiscookingonthestove
andisyellingathimtostop.Noonebutmeseemstobeawareofthis

21
incident. Apotoverboilsandshesays,”youdidthat”anddragshimoff
crying.I’mhorrifiedandaburstofgriefrises.Ileaveinsearchofcomfort
frommyownmother,butrealize thatasI’mwalkingthatshewon’t
understand. ShewillsayI’PltooemotionalandtellmethatImadethe
mother feelbad.Iwake withgriefinmyheart.
Haiku 52
Comments
IstarttheHaikuwiththeimageofthecryingboyandthewords,”youdid
that.” Seconds tosevenths,openingupthetightspacetopossibility.
Words come intheHaiku,”wealldream.”Ihavetears,thedreamwas
strong.Thepossibility ofchangefillsmewithajoythatIcanhardly
believeIcan’tgointoaworldofnoblame,becauseitistoobeautiful,
too…,butIknowitexists.Interestinginthedream,myemotionsaresome
kindofindicationofblameforthemother.Isthistrue?DoIblamethe
mother?ObviouslyinthedreammymomwouldsayIdo.Iseemfucked,
noonetoblameandnoonetosharemyemotionwith.Oldragesofages.
June12,2000
I’musingminorsecondsandminorsevenths. Themusicspeakstome.
Thesecondsdonotseemconstrainedortighttome,butthegeneral
experienceofsmalltolarge.Ainterdependency.
April19,2000
Yesterday
Jasonwrotemybioandwetalkedaboutourchildhoods.AndreaandI
workedwitheachother’sbreath. Shegotareleasingfeelingwiththe
musicontheoutwardbreath.Ifeltmyheartopenwithherattentionon
mybreathandafeelingofsupport.Ifeltforcefedwhensheplayedonall
myinhalations. Theextramovementoftheopenfifthswasverydifferent
fromthemorestableblockedfifths.
Dreams
I’mtiredofnotreallydreamingorremembering.Iwoketothe
introductionofmySalterello.
Haiku53
Comments
Ifeellikemajorisveryprescriptiveformyinnertendencies.Iuse
repetitiontosetuptheworldthatI’min.Theslowandfastrhythmis
verypatterned. IchangedthelowerGtoahigheroneontheending.It
felttooheavy.Triplet. Laurie’spieceisinhere. IthasanIrishfeeling.I
cadenceonill’sandii’sandVll’swithandendingontheI.Myfirst
impression isofanIrishmelody,heartactivating,slightlysorrowful,but
mostlyanoutwardexpression ofhope.Iseeayoungishwomansinging.

22
April20,fOOO .
Haiku54
Comments … …. ….
IfindoutthattodayisthedaythatPangelinguaisusedinthemass.Itis
alsoinPhrygian. Idon’tfeelwell,takingthecatstothevet.Creteis
complaining asIwritethis.Iknowofavigilthisafternoon,an
extubation.
April21,2000
Yesterday.
Avigilat3:30.Camehomeandslept. .ThevigilremindsmeofDave.
Dreams
Thereisahugewaterfallthatbeforeitfallsachainlinkfencecatches
youandyouclimbacrosstotheshore.Thereisalittleboyandgirlthat
I’mwith.Theboyjumpsinandgetspinnedtothefence.Hecallsforhelp
andtheseteenagerscomeanddirecthimupandtotheshore.Wewatch
anddecideitistoomuchtodo.We’llgoanotherway.Thepowerofthe
waterisdaunting.
Ihearpianomusic,musicI’veneverheardbefore.Thereareoddchoices
ofnotesthatarehardtopiecetogetheraslyricalmusicyetI’mdeciphering
themascommunication.Thisiscommunicationthatisnot”natural”to
us.Itrequiresahead/heartconnection,wehearthisasabstract,butit’s
not.Itisjustanotherlevel,thatwearenotusedto.
I’mwithmymomandwearepartofanexodus.Ihearavoiceandknow
thispersonshouldnotseeme.SoIstandbehindabuildingwhilethe
voicekeepstalkingtosomeoneelse. Finallyitisgone.Thereissome
senseofmeasathreat. Mymotherunderstandsthisinthedreamand
protectsmewithherfriends,calmly.Wemoveon.
Haiku55
Comments
Silencetobeginwith.Ihavebeendoingthisquickpatternofnoteslately.
ItismySalterelloinfluence.Minortomajor. InthemelodyIuselostsof
secondsandthenlargedescendingjumps.Thelastintervalisa
descendingfourth.
June14,2000
Veryminor,almostworriedfeeling.Dramaticanddark,unresolving.
Mysteriousandhaunting.IwonderwasthislikethemusicthatIwas
hearingthatsoundedsoabstract?Ordoesthishavemoretodowiththe
dream,whereIhadtohidefromthevoice?IwriteminortomajorbutI
don’treallyhearitthatwaythistime. Iseemsmostlyminor.

23
April22,2000
Dreams
_Idon’trememberanythingbuthearingsomechordsandthinkingit
.wastheradio.LaterIrealizeitisthetraininthedistance.
Haiku 56
Comments
Silence..Poemp207MayInotsleepwalk…(can’tfindit).Thinkingof
Rothkoandcolor.Whiteaddingdabsofcoloruntilthereissomuch’
. .
color.IsthisHaikuDorian?Thewholestepbetweenthe7and1isreally
wonderful.
June14,2000
Veryrhythmicandawakening..Thecoloristherebutnotintermsof
harmonysomuch asmovement.Thewhiteisveryslowandstill,the
colorisrhythmicmotion.IhaveanfeelingofEarthandnativepeoples.
Thecolorsoftheearthbecomingsovibrant,buttheyarenotgemstone
tones,earthybutrich..
April23,2000
Dreams
Can’trecallanythingbutthefeelingofdreaming.
HaikuS7
Comments
Ifeelquitereadytoplay.AimageofBarb’shandsmovingdownthe
stringsinourensemblepiece.Sheisusingherfingernails.Falling
downwardinmajorfeelsfunandlight. The3/4endingisaquickening
eventhoughachangefromthedownwardfall.TheGtoneholdsthe
worldasananchororbase.Thispieceremindsmeofthestructureof
yesterday’sHaiku.TodayisEaster.Itisbeautifulsunnymorning.Itis
veryquiet. Iamabletobeinmajorbecausetherestoftheworldisminor.
Evening
Thefallingmotionisveryfreeing,easy.
Memory
Icouldrecallthekeysignature.
June14,2000
Verymajorpiece. Icanseethatthispiecehascarriedon,becausejustthe
otherdayIwasplayingsomethingverysimilartoit.Theeasy,happy
qualityofthisHaikuisnotsomethingthatInaturallyfallinto.Ittakes
certaincircumstancesformetofeelthiswas.Idolikeit.Myimpressionis
easeandalessclearboundarythanminor.Themusicisnotsopersonal.
Shedoesnothaveastrongpersonalityinterest,butratherastrongflowor
presence.

24
April24,2000
Yesterday
InmylessonLindatalkstomeabouttonalbeings-.Enterintothemusical
worldandletitspeaktoyou.Listen:Shetellsmetoworkslowlyandtake
everythingapart.Buildyourmusicalstructure.
Dreams
Ihaveagrocerycartwithmymomandwearearguing.ItellherI’m
notreallymad.WhenI’mshakingandtremblingthenshecanknowI’m
mad.Abunchofyounggirlsaregettingmarriedafterhighschool. Ifeel
oldandspinsterlike.Icutabunchofwoodforsomething.Itwastobe3
inchesbutIjusteyeditanditcameoutalldifferent. Barbiscomingand
measuringitallexact. I’mcuttingwithatablesaw.Onthegrocerycart,I
wastyingsomewire,makingsureitwouldnotgetcaughtinthewheelsif
wewerechased.
Haiku58
Comments
Iheartheviolinplayingthis..Almostgypsylike.Iwasthinkingabout
gypsywomenmarryingoldermenandtheninheritingtheirmoneywhen
theydie.MylastlessonistodayandIfeelsad.Ifeellikeafailure,stuckin
thesamemusicalhabits.Thispiecehasarapidtempo.Afeelingoflife
whizzingbymewithmyfingerstryingtokeepupbutthetempois
exhausting.Thisalwaysmakesmesadandtightinthethroat. Allofthis
issomehowconnectedwithmyproblemswiththeSalterello.Thereisa
senseofdangerinnotbeingabletokeepup,beingpassedby.Myreaction
istirednessandsadnessandconstrictionanddepression. .
Memory
Iremember3measures
June14,2000
IdounderstandwhatIwastalkingaboutwiththeimageoftimewhirling
by.Thegsharpisraisedfortheendin,creatingalongingforthetonic.A
mixofmeters4/4and3/4.Thestyleofthispieceisnot”myown”.Ithink
itisfunnythatIwouldcomethroughinmyHaiku.
April25,2000
Yesterday
LastlessonuntilJunewithLinda.
Dreams
IrememberTheowasthere.
Haiku59

25
Comments
Loversandmenofintellectcannotmix:
Howcanyoumixthebrokenwiththeunbroken?
Cautious menofintellectshrinkbackfromadeadant:
Lovers, completelycarefree,trampledowndragons.
Theintellectsays:’Thesixdirections arelimits:thereisnowayout.”
Lovesays:”Thereisaway:Ihavetraveleditthousands oftimes.”
Theintellect sawamarketandstartedtohaggle:
Love wasthousands ofmarketsbeyondthatmarket.
Lovers whodrinkthedregsofthewinereelfromblisstobliss:
Thedark-hearted menofreason
Burninwardlywithdenial.
Theintellectsays:”Donotgoforward,annihilationcontainsonly
thorns.”
Lovelaughsback:’Thethornsareinyou.”
Enoughwords!Silence!
Pullthethornofexistenceoutoftheheart!Fast!
Forwhenyoudoyouwillseethousandsofrosegardensinyourself.
lalalaI-DinRumi;Persia,1207-1273
ThisHaikuisrecorded.IthinkoftonebeingsandLove’sway(fromthe
poem).Minorwithchangingmeter.Myrhythminexact.MaybeIshould
writeitlikechantbecausethisnotationisnotreallyaccurate.Thedouble
d’sattheendfeellikeacreepyendingInthegroundburiedanddead.
Hammering thenails.Thismelodyandrhythmremindsmeofmeand
I’msickofit.It’sdepressing,minor,inner,goingtotooselfabsorbed.
June14,2000
Ithinkthisisaperfectexampleofnotgettingbeyondmyselfintothe
music.Themusicendsuplackinganythinglargerthannotes. Maybe
someoneelsecouldplayitatexperiencesomethingreal,butformethere
issomethingmissing..Myimpressioniscontrived.Thisleadsmetoask
myself ifitisthenotesortheperson.IfitisthepersonIshouldbeableto
experiencethispiecedifferently,butI’rnnotableto.Idon’texperience
thisasminor,asIwrotebefore,butIdon’tlikethecomposition,itis
annoying. Maybeinsteadofselfabsorbed1’dsay1/2heartedornottotally
present.
April26,2000
Dreams
I’mtryingtogetFredtounderstandmyquestion,buthekeeps
answering withwhatIalreadyknow.IsaysomethingaboutChina,and
I’mangry.IdreamofRevenandhavingsex.I’mworriedthatIamgoing
topee,thatmybladderwilljustreleaseurineandIwillhavenocontrol.

26
Haiku60
Comments ,
Itisabeautifulsunnyday. I’mnotsurewhatI’mdoing.:Lindaspoketo
meaboutthebeingsoftone,butIfindmyselflookingat,concentrating
intenselyonmelodic line,unableoritishardertojustlistentopuretone.
Iwonderifthisislikecontentvs.contextorstoryvs.thecontainerthe
storyistied..Iwanttoswitchawarenesstotone.
IfingeredtheHaiku.The323rockingisextremelyhardtokeepsmooth
andlyrical.Iwouldtendtojustusethe1and2fingersformyHaikus.
Thisisanexerciseinstrengtheningmylyricism,butmorethanthat. As
I’mworkingonthisoverandover.Ifeelacorrespondingstrengthening.
MaybesomethingsimplelikeIcantrustnewwaysevenifIfeelstronger
withtheold.
April27,2000
Dreams
IwaketoTracyChapman’slyricOnlySmokeandAshBaby.
April28,2000
Haiku61
Haiku61A
RecalloforiginalHaiku.
.Comments
Minorendingonmajor.Afallingline.speedingupandintensifying.It
isarainydaytodaybutthecolorsarebrilliant,buddingtreesandflowers.
Thereisanintensificationoccurring.
June16,2000
Irewrotetherhythmofthispieceandcanunderstanditbetter.Igeta
strongerimpressionofthemusicalaspectsthatIhadheardthefirsttime,
withtheintensifying.Thelastnoteendsinatypeofquestion.Iwonderif
mynotationhasgottenbetter?WhenI’mworkingwithapiecethat
comesfrommyself, whatdoesitsaytoreworkit.Isthatusingtoomuch
ofmyheadoramIslowlyintegratingsothatmy”intuitiveness”isableto
breakintotheworldandmakesense.
April29,2000
Dreams
AshockingdreamofJason.Heisbeingbeattodeath.Theperson
continuesasJasonisonasmallthreadoflife.Butthenhemarriesafter
healingfromthisexperience. HehealsphysicallybutIimaginespiritually
aswell.Inthedream,I’mwatchingandI’mhorrified.Whywould
someonedothis?
Inresponsetothedream.LastnightIsaw28Days,amovieabouta
womangoingthroughdetox.Iwassurprisedattherelationshipof

27
rehabilitationtoChalice.IwokeupthinkingthatJasontoldmethisstory”
ofbeing beatenaweekagobutnowitsurfaces intomydreams. Why?”
Whathappenedtothestory.DidIadoptitasmyown.WhywasI
watchingthedream?
Haiku62
Comments
Gentle,slowdissonance’s.6/8time,repeats every2phrases/’Rhythmic
waves ofmotion.Accepting,butI’mstilllisteningtomelodyand
forgetting about thealivenessoftone..’It’sverysuperficial asifallthat
matters isaninterestingmelody.Iwantthetonetoleadmetomelody.
June16,2000
Theslowpulseandminortonalityisveryinwardandreflective.The
consonancesanddissonancesreflectabalance- oflife’senergies.A
seriousnessoftheoverallsubstance.
April30,2000
Dreams
I’mgoingthroughanotebooklookingforthenameMaravitch.Thisis
aJapanese namethatI’mdoingresearchon.OfcoursetheJapanese
womaninchargeofrecordssaysshedoesnothaveanyrecordsofthis
name. TSSistryingtohelp,butsheisfrantic.
Haiku63
Comments
Istartedwith#1,playingmaybe20repetitions.Itfeltverymuchlikea
heartbeatoraNativeAmericanchant.Descendingminorthirdwiththe
5thabove.ThenIswitchedtomajorfeelingthechangeinthepositioning
ofmyheart.Atfirstthemajorsoundedsooverthetop,butaftersome
repetitions,thesenseofmajorlessened.Likesmell.Thenswitchingback
andforth,lesseningtherepetitionsuntilI’mat2phrasesforeachtonality.
Thistakessomeconcentrationwiththelevers,butI’mhavingthefeeling
ofaheartmassage.Eachswitchmyheartmoves. I’mwritingnowand
myheartissore,notfromallthemovementpersebutIcanfeelstirrings
happeningandsomethingwouldliketosurface.Ithinkthisisagood
exercise tostartthedaywiththeheartactivated.Iseethousandsofdollars
withatapemade!Doesthedescendingtriadtakeyoudeep,toenstasy,
downandthrough?
June16,2000
Verymuchthesameexperience.Ididnotdoasmanyrepetitionsonly4to
startandIcouldfeelmyheartmoving.Itisafourthabovenotafifth.
Theslowsteadypulseisverycompelling. Ittakesmewithitintoadeep
feelingworld.Theeternaltimeiscreated.IdonotknowhowthisHaiku
came.WasitconnectedtomyJapaneseresearchdream?

28
May1,2000.
Dreams
I’matahouse.Themailisinthebox,jammedfullofoldmail.Ithink
thatsomeoftheoldmailmightbeforme,butI’mnotsureifIshouldgo
throughit.IseeoldpicturesofJeffatsomeoneelse’swedding.MaybeI’m
stayingatMichelle’s’house.Someonecallsmeandasksmeaboutajob.I
saythatMichellecollectsmoneyforsexworkersandthisisagoodpaying
job.ThenI’mfeedingthiswhitetiger.Ablackcatsitsdownonthetiger.
Nothinghappens.I’mrelievedthatthetigerissogentle.Bessishere
watchingmylifequietly.
Haiku64
Comments
ItitletheHaiku,ThePast. Afterthedescendinglinetherearesomany
tonessoundingintherest;somewhatchaotically.Thelastfasksa
question.Whatwillbedonewiththepast?Withthedescendinglinemy
4thfingeralwaysseemstogetcaught. IsthismymanifestationofVenus?
Verymajor.Thepastshouldbeontheoutside?Notsopersonal. It
becomessomethingelse.Setitfreetoliveon.Theinsidepastcanbe
tortuousorintegratedtotheself.Theresonancesorovertonesarethepast
ofanoteorthesoundingofthefuture?Youcanlistentothepastfora
verylongtimeandthenitmovesyouontothefuture.Themajorofthe
secondphrasedearsthepalate.Idon’tappreciatethesound,itisso
hollowandthenbacktothemorecomplexthrobbing,overtonesofthe
movingstepwiseline. Ilikethedissonanceandthefriction.Thepastand
presentcancreatethatfriction.
June16,2000
Thedescendingmelodiclinecreatesmanytonesthatresonateafterthe
linehasstoppedmoving.Theovertoneskeepmemoving.
May2,2000
Dreams
Sharilyn’spieceoverandoverallnight. Theendingswereneverdone.
BeforethisBobbyfromelementaryschoolwas·inmydream.Inthedream
heisstillsmall.Heisasweetman,buthekeepstellingmetobequietin
hishousebecauseoftheneighbors.Ifindlivinglikethisstupid.(My
father,hadusbequietallthetimebecauseofmygrandparents
downstairs.)
Haiku65
Comments
IreadanEmilyDickinsonpoembeforetheHaiku.

29
-TheSoul’ssuperiorinstants
OccurtoHer-alone-
Whenfriend>andEarth’soccasion
Haveinfinitewithdrawn-
OrShe-Herself -ascended
TotooremoteaHeight
ForlowerRecognition
ThanHeromnipotent-
ThisMortalAbolition
Iseldom-butasfair
Asapparition -subject
ToAutocraticAir-
Eternity’sdisclosure
Tofavorites-afew-
Ofthecolossalsubstance
Ofimmortality
Major,open,optimistic.7ths.Longingandhopeanddesire.
Tune16,2000
I’musingaccompanimenthere,sotheHaikusoundsverycomposed,like
aregularsong.ThemovementoftheaccompanimentisupwardIn
motion.Myoverallimpressionisofgentlelongingandbeauty.
May3,2000
NewMoon2112
Dreams
Sharilyn’spiece,Zohar.
Haiku66
Comment
Playedalongimprovisationwithmyfingernails first. The3notes stacked
in2ndscameuphere.Ihaveaneedtojustexpressforalongertimethan
theHaikus haveallowedbecauseofmynotbeingabletonotatewell.The
music ledmetothinkingaboutwhatTreasaO’Driscolsaidabouthow
whenwedosomethingslowlywithintention,thenourangelsappear.
Allofthedynamic markingsandattentiontothat£illthecraving Ihave
fordepth,butitisfunnythatIdon’tnaturallygothere.Iconcentrateon
melody,sothismayhelpmemoretoheartoneanddynamics.
3/4time,major,interspersionofharpfingertechniquegroundedonthe
strings thenfingernails;lightandtough.Potentizedslowpacing really
helps tomovedeeper, butIspeedup,movementinterests me.ThewayI

30
havebeenwritingistoplayaphrasewriteitrepeatandplayasecond
phrase…Ifeelintouchthiswaswithbridgingtheconsciousnessandmore
ofdivinegesture.
Tune16,2000
MyimpressionojthisHaikuisanalternatingbetweentwoworlds,one
thatlooksmuchliketheeverydayworldandtheotheramorespirit
inhabitedworld.Thelasttwonotesofferatypeojintegration,marked
piano.
May4,2000
Dreams
I’mwithJustineandlivingwithJoelandJustine.ItellJustinethatwe
couldstartabusinessmakingnutritiousmealsforlunchordinnerfor
people.She’snotthatexcitedandItellherthatI’llkeepthrowingout
ideas.Wearealargespacethatisbeingrenovated.Thecontractortellsus
wecan’thavetherefrigeratorandsomethingelseonthesecondfloor.My
jacketisonthefloorandsomeonethrewitaway.ItellJoelandJustine
thatIneedtoliestuffoutforawhiletoseewhatIhave.DolanandIare
walkingoutsideonapath.Itissecludedandwearepushingashopping
cart. Weseeapileofcansandcollectthem.Dolansays,Idon’tknowwhy
peoplejustleavecansaround.
Haiku67
Comments
Theconcertistonight. AsIsatdownIbegantocry.
May5,2000
Dreams
Auroraallnight.
May8,2000
Dreams
Conversionisplayinginmyhead.I’mnervousformygraduation,
thenIrealizethatitisover.I’mhighonthetopofabuilding,mooning
outthewindowwithanotherJapanesegirl.Wearelaughingand
thinkingthisisfunny,butweknowwecouldgetintrouble.Another
student,alsoAsian, comesandIpullablanketaroundmeandpretendto
benapping.AttheentranceofthebuildingTomasksmeifthisismy
tuningbattery,hehasfound.IgobackandforthtoConversion.
May9,2000
Yesterday
AtSuzanne’scabin.
Dreams
DreamaboutthevowandJocelynandIgettingtherighttimbre.
Haiku68

31
Comments
Stillwater.Awalkatthelake.3/4,peacefulandgentle.Ends ona4th.
May10,2000
,Dreams
Dreaming againaboutthevow.I’mtiredofmydreams.Theyarein
thelandofthinkinganditisnotrestful. IhearSharilyn’spiecethrough
.thenight. ‘.
‘Haiku 69
Comments
Sperittimeimprovising withoutnotating. Atonepointjustusingmy4th
finger.FortheHaiku,Idecidetousemyfourthfingeronallthenotes
except theeighthnotes. Venusisthefourth.Mineisweakthetoneisbad.
Thisbecomesastrengtheningtonic.
May14,2000
Dreams
Adreamaboutaplacewithadults,acommunity. Thereareno
children.Theseriousintention ofthecommunityishonorablebutthe
lackofspiritencity(?)andchaosandthetotalorderlikeamonasteryseems
lacking.’
May15,2000
Dreams
Bungeejumping. Iwatchedawomandropoveranedgeandslowly
droppedbelowwithgracefulmovementsdownward. Ididnotseeher
ropeandsoIworried, butatthelastmoment, Iseeherrope.Itisslowand
gracefuland£unandbeautiful.Naturesurrounding andthewaterbelow.
BeforethisI’mhuggingBarbtellingherthatIwillstayintouchwithher,
noteveryone,buther. ‘
May16,2000
Dreams
IhavetosingtwosongsforTSS.Sodoesthegroup.Weare
rehearsing,butIdon’t knowthesongs.I’mtryingtomemorizeonthe
spot,butIdon’thavethemusic. AJapanesewomansingsandsheand
TSSarelistening inthetaperecorder.shesoundsstrongexceptonthe
endsofphrases. Sheissingingonepiecewiththemusic,buttheotheris
wellprepared.Someofusareinadifferentroomtryingtolearnmusic.
BeforethisBarbistakingusthrough. TheJapanesegirlsaysthatshe
doesn’t havethemusicforhersecondpiecebecauseshelearneditasa
solo.TSSlooksatmereallyharshlyandindicatesformetogetwiththe
restoftheclass.

32
May17,2000
Dreams
I’msittingonahilllisteningtoMatthewM.Wearetakinga
drummingclass. Therearemanypeople. Heisgoingaroundindividuals
tellingeachpersonabout themselves andhavingadrumsolo.Imove
becauseI’mnotanxioustohavethisexperience. ThenIrealizethatI’ve
beenpassedbyandI’mdisappointed. Thenawomanispickingup
spaghettinoodlesthathavebeenlaidonthegroundforsoftening.Ihelp
her,puttingitinplasticbags.SuzanneandItalkaboutTim(?).Itellherit
wasweirdtobecalledMs.Lockwood. I’mcleaninguparoundSharonand
LoiswithScott. I’mturningalltheburnersoff. .
May18,2000
FullMoon0034
May20,2000
Dreams
DreamofJeff,lookingretro(70’s). Heisraggedyandyoung.Ireachmy
hand,hereachesout,buthiswifetakeshishand. Iintroducemyselfand
skipoff,butfeelsickbymyimpetustoreachouttohim,happyhiswife
intercepts.
May21,2000
Dreams
SomeonegivesmeafoxIdog. Itisverywildanditcomesfromalitter.
I’mworriedbecausethefoxldogliketotrackanything includingmycats.I
don’thavethetimetospendwithitandtrainit.SoIdon’tthinkthatI
shouldbeitsperson.
May22,2000
Dreams
Fredisgettinguschampagne andfoodtocelebrate,butitistoo
expensiveandhecanonlyget4glassesofmimosas.Butitisthethought
thatcounts.
Haiku70
Haiku70A
Recall. oftheoriginal.
Comments
Ineverycelebrationisamystery.TheF#bringsinthatsenseofoddness
thatcanwork. Workingwiththe4thfingerontherighthand.Irealize
thatIhavetoleanintothestrings,notverticallybuthorizontallyfrom
sideintostrings.
June17,2000
Anactivatingandelevatingmelody.TheF#isveryprominent,
stretching.

33
May23,2000
Yesterday.
GeorgeWinstonconcertwithDolanandJason.
Dreams
I’msinginginachorusandneedaridetowherewearegoing.Weare
touring.AtfirstI’mtalkingto2youngergirls.Theyarenewmembers. I
tellthem iftheyneedanything, Icanhelpthem.Iknowalmosteveryone
inthechoir.ThenIgotomyride.2BlackmenIdon’treallyknow. One
hasdread locks.Itisablackbugthattheydrive.Theyareverysweetto
me.Theoneguywiththedreadssaysthathealmost losthiswillbytaking
someone else’s.IsayIknowIdidthattoo.Iputmystuffinthetrunkand
situpfront. IwakelisteningtomusicIdonotknow.
Haiku71
Comments
IplayKyriefromtheMassoftheAngels.ThenIpickaquotefromthe
box.
“Tomakemusicmeanstobewideawakewithoutdrivingoutthecreative
powerofthedarkunconscious.”
‘AcousticSymbolism’Schneider
TheendingoftheHaikufeelslikeanintroductiontoawholeotherpiece.
Descending4ths,thirds.Idoanimprovisationattheendtoeasemy
frustration.IreallyhatewritingtheHaikusdown.Ifeellikeitissoslow.
I’dratherjustplayandbeinitandthennevergobacktoit.I’dliketo
releaseandletitgo.Thispracticefrustratesme.IwishIcouldnotate
quickerorhavealongermemoryforthephrases.
June17,2000
Themovementfromseventhsandlongin,toatransitionwith4thsand
thena5thtoamoremajorendin,highlighttransitionandmovement
forward.ItisadifficultmoveformeIwanttostayintherealmofthe
longingandthenthemajorseemsfakeandtrite.
May24,2000
Yesterday
Atclinical wetalkedabitaboutalcoholismasadesireforspirits.somuch
alcoholisminmyfamilyandaroundmeinthisbuilding.Talkedwith
Andreaaboutaddictionslast.
Dreams
AuntCarol,Cherylanddrunkoldmenareatsomeparty.Thena
bunchofyoungerwomenarrive.Onegirlsaysthatthehouseissolike
hersathome.Idon’tknowifthisisgoodorbad.Onedrunkmanhasa
t’shirtthatsayssomething.butitisallmisspelled.Thisisfunnybecauseit
isreferringtohowwhenyouaredrunkyoucannotspell.Iwakewiththe
feelingofhavingabrokenheart. Ifeellikethemusic wantstotellme
something.
Haiku72

34
Comments
TheHaikuistitledGraceSharonforthetwovigilsIdidyesterday.
Tune17,2000
ThisHaikuseemstobetheoppositetransitionofyesterday’s..The
movementgoesfromexpansiveandopentoquitesomberandznner.I
likethistransitionandfinditveryauthentic.
May25,2000
Dreams
Karla’shusband,SteveishavinganaffairwithMaryanne,whois.
really Sheila,thecoldishwomanfromPortland.Karlaiswaitingitout.
I’mangryatSteve.
Haiku73
Comments
Istartedwithanimprovisationfirst,thatIdidn’twritedown.
Tune17,2000
AHaikuwithvoiceandtwoparis.. whichismovingabitmorecomplex.
1’mworkingwithnonparallelmotion..Theoverallmotionofthe
melodyisaslowdescent.Butthelastchordendsonmajor,comingfrom
manyminorchords.One2nd.
May26,2000
Dreams
I’mtalkingtosomeoneaboutlivinginayurt. I’msayingthatitwasa
painlivingin1/2ofitandworkingontheother1/2.It’scoldandthewall
insulationdoesn’thelp.HeasksifIsweptevery3days.Isayno,every
day.ThenIrememberWendibuiltitandIaskherwhatshethinks.
Whilewearetalking,I’mintheyurt. Ilovethatspace..
I’mwithCynthiaandaBlackmanwhoisover6foottall.Sheisjoking
withhimandthensheleavesgivinghimmybicycle.Hestarts
approachingmesexually.IbackawayandcallforCynthia.Iknowhe
wantstorapeme.Sheappearsandheislaughing.ItellCynthiawhat’s
goingonandshetriestogetmybike.Isayit’soktoleavethebike.Ijust
wanttogetaway.WeareoutsideandaBlackwomanistherewatching
overachild.TheBlackmankeepsfollowingme.CynthialeavesandI’m
hidingfromhimbutheseesme.Icannotmovefastandhecatchesme.
I’mscreamingNo.HeissayingIhavethelesbianburdenthenhelaughs
andsaynoitistheIrishburden. Iwakemyselfwithfear.
Haiku74
Comments
MyimpressionofthisHaikuisofexpansionandthenonenoteclosesme,
makesmeperceiveinwardlyandthenIrepeatthewholeprocess.The
dawningofthesunwithhopeandexpansion butthenintherisinga
momentoftrepidation.

35
Tune17,2000, _ .,
Igetasomewhathopelessfeeling,afeelingofrisinghopealways being-
pulleddownward.
May27,2000–
Yesterday
Dreams
I’minthisoldhouse. Thereare2menandawomansittingonthecouch.
Theyarebrothersandsister.Agirlisformedandcomestothem.Sheisa
young being, whodiedanddoesnothaveawholeness aroundher
perception.Sheistransformingbeforeoureyesintoscaryimagesof
clawedhandsandfear.Thesistersknow thisisadreamandgowiththe
littlegirlintoasituation.Thesistertransformsintoasoldierduring
WWIorII.Sheistormented.TheenergyisasifIwererightinthe
middleofthewar.Iwatchherjumpfromthesecondstorytoabedbelow.
NowI’moutside peeing. Thesunisjustrising.Nonaseesmeandcomes
over.Theareaissurroundedwithachainlinkedfence.Ipeeintoa
plasticpottyshapedlikeaurinalanddumpthepeeoverthefence. Ithas
litterinitandI’msprinklingthelitterovertoo.Nonatellsmenottodo
this.Igetanimageofattractingwildanimalswiththescent. Igobackin
thehouseandabrothergreetsme.Heiswearyofme.Istartgoingintoa
“dream”. Thewholehouseisrockinglikeashipatsea.Thetimeisdusk
althoughitwasjustsunrise.Ilookoutthewindowandthelandscape
jumpsupanddownliketheviewfromabobbingship.I’mbeingmoved
aboutandIfeelsick.Ireachtothebrother.ItellhimthatIcan’tthinkof
hisname.OnlyRockyiscomingtome.Helowershiseyes. Hetellsme
hethinks thatScottnamedhimthattopokefunathismasculinity.Isay
thisisn’ttrue.Scotthashisownissuesofmasculinity,hewouldn’t make
fun.Wearedrawntoeachotherbythemovement.-Itouchhimandget
close.ThenhegoesandIfindhimironingmyjeans. Itellhimtostop.I
feelsogratefultohimforcaringsomuchtoironmyjeans.Awoman’s
voiceisatthedoor.Sheisanolderlady.WelookateachotherandI
openthedoorbutitisRocky’s brother.Heisverytallandangry. Rocky
sayshehastoaskmetoleave. Igooutside,thesunisrisingtomorning.I
comeacrossacafewhereamomand2daughterssit,singingtogether.
Theylookinamirrorastheysingtogether.Themomisworriedthatthis
won’talways besoandattimessheseemsmorelikealovertothegirls.
ThenI’minJulie’sroom.Julieissomekindoftherapist. Shehasoneof
thegirl’snotesandletters.Ithinktheolder.IhearHannabalLector’s
voiceencouraginghertothink.IhearhimsayingJulie,lookatthe…
Thisisanabusivesituation,buthow?Thegirlsandmomwereall
dressed ashippies.
Igobacktothehouse.ThetallbrotherishostileandRockyisslightly
withdrawn. IgotoRocky. Hetellsmehelosthisclosestfriendsatthe
wedding(hisbrother’s).CanIimaginehimattheprimeofhislifewith
thisloss? Buthisblueeyeslookintomineandhesaysitmaderoomfor

36
me,hissister,hislover.Wekiss.Theenergyissexualbut-more etern’al.
Hehasasmallrosewithothertinyflowers.-HerollsthemupsoLean
touchthemandtheyspringtolife.Oneflowerisverylovely,likea
delicatelyformedorchidmadeofwood. Shedoesn’thaveaheart,but
representsthefullheart. Thisisus.Iwakeoveroverwhelmed,” missing
Rocky. “”-“”
Haiku75
Comments
Mixolydian?IdidtheHaikutotheimageofthesmallflowerWiththe”
thin,carvedwoodpetals.Theflowerwasverysmall,4incheswithastem.
Theorchidpartlookedofthin,thinwood.Itwasverydelicate,butstrorig
foraflower. ” ”
June17,2000
Prominentwholestepbetweenthelasttwonotesgivingthemixolydian
feel. TheimageoftheflowerseemssomysticalthattheHaikuseemsvery
lightincomparison.Therearesomeinterestingturnsinthernixolydian
mode,butnotreallymatchingtheintensityoftheimageoftheflower.
MaybeImisinterpretedmynotesaboutusingthisimagefortheHaiku.
ButIdon’tunderstandtherelationshipoftheHaikutothedream.
I
Later
WokefromanapandplayedSalvereginaslowlypayingattentionto
tone.Firstjustwiththemelody,thenaddingthechords.ThenIplayed
supportedsixths. Thensang.WhydidIpickSalveregina?Ihadbeen
tryingtojusthearthetoneasIwenttobedlastnight. Ihaveahardtime
experiencingthepieceasawhole.IplayedthetagwithadroningCand
movementoftheintervalsfromfifth,sixth,seventhandthenexttime
aroundfifth,sixth;seventhandoctave.Thischordprogressionisvery
richforme.Thesupportedsixthsleavethecadencesquiteopenwhichis
niceforsomebutnotallandaddsanoverallminortone. Ipreferit,but
dolikethecontrast. Icouldusethecontrasttobringouroneortheother
tonality.ThetonalitythatI’minterestedinIwouldplayfirstandlast,
withthecontrastinbetween; Iwillhavetotryminorfirstandlast.
ThenImovedtoAvemarisstella.Playingitwiththechordsandthen
supportedfifths. Ididanimprovwiththechordprogressionandreturned
tothemelodywithsupported6ths.”ThenIopenedupthewholepieceby
playingopen1-5-1and1-3-5etc.uptheharpwithbothhandswhile
singingthemelody.Ilikedthisalotasafreeinggesture.” Thenclosingita
bit,stillnotplayingthemelody,but5thsinthebasehandand2inversions
inthetreblehandandthenplaying6ths. Ihadtonotplayall6ths,butI
didfindthechangewarming.Myproblemishavingtothinksomuch
aboutthewayI’mplayingthatitishardformetohearitaswhole.I’m
tryingtopracticefakingthat.
WithCartanMother’sIdid”alovelyimprovisationlooselyusingthe
chordstructureofthepiece,throwinginsomedminorchords.Iended

37
singingwhileplayingoctavesofthechordsontheharp,veryminimal.I
thoughtIwouldgettiredofitbutIdiditthewholewaythrough.· .
Istartedin.majorwithacomplicatedmelodythatwassomehow
integratedintothedreamingIhadjustdone.Theminorqualityofthe
supported6thsopenedintomyheartallowingmetointegratethe
qualitiesofrealityanddreaminthemomentofthemusic.The
mysteriousmelodyofAvemariscontinuedinthisvain,withtherhythm
freeingmetoflight,asmyvoicesangtoanaccompanimentofwatery,full
range,brokenchords.Inversionswouldhavebeenperfecthere,butIwas
unabletopullthatoff.Gurian’5putmebackintoaverymeteredworld,
buttheemotionalmelodiclinecontinuedtorisingfuliexpressionoflife.
Endingwiththevoiceinfullembodiedheartnessandoctave· .
accompaniment. Theoctavesplayedbotharesonantwarmthandacool
structuralroleasalignmentelements.
May29,2000
Haiku76&77
Comments
Ipullaquote:
Blossomsopentothesun,
Tonesopentotheair.
Lamperti
ThetoneoftheHaikuissad.Mm6isastrengthening.Therearemore
leapsinthebeginning.Towardstheendthemeterslows.Therearelots
ofdottedquartersandeighths.Triplet,M6ths.Ihavetheimpressionof
Russianpianocomposers,thoughIcannotnameone.Bleak.Elephants
walking.Thesadnessofthemusicdoesnotmakememoresad,butI
appreciatethesefeelings.I’mwantingtoopentomajortostartmyday,
buttheslowploddingoftheheart’sjourneyishonorableeventhoughthe
outsidepicturecanlookquitehumble.Drunkswithsoiledclothes,.
addictionsthatdragpeopletodounconsciousthings.TheMajor6thsdo
contacttheheart,touchingdarkstreaksandaddinglight.Smallflecksof
purpose,meaningandoneness.IthinkofRobertandhowwetrulybegin
ajourneywhenallhopeislost,butI’mnotinthattypeofjourneynow.
I’vebeenthere,Iholdremnants,Iamonajourneyofunderstanding.
Thereishopehere.Myheartisopenandraw,justthatonemeasure
offersstrengththerestworkswiththesoundsoftheheart.
Idoamajorimprovisationtoapproachtheworld.

38
May30,2000..:
Dreams ..’
I’mshowingamanpicturesfrommyfamily.· Ididnottake·the·se pictures.
TherearesomebeautifulonesofnatureandJapanesewomen.Thereisa
pictureofAuntLillyandaneel.Theeellookslikeasnake.Momasksme
who’stablethatisinapicture,wecan’tremember.I’mtakingpicturesfor
themanofhisfamily,onachild’sbirthday.Hesayshe’sold,38.:Itell
himI’moldtoo34..He’ssurprised.Manysnakesinthephotos.
Haiku76
Comments
Iplayyesterday’sHaikuandhearthehighertoneoftheethsringoutas
joyandsorrow. .
May31,2000
Dreams
SomeimagesofJeff.
Haiku78
Comments
IwakewithfrustrationatToniandnotbeingabletoholdmydreams.I
titletheHaikuPatience. Ihaveapersonalfeelingoffrustrationwith
chords.Ican’treadthemorplaythemfromscore.Ihavetomemorize
them,butIlovethesound.
TheHaikuhasnoresolution,soreallyafeelingofmusicjusthangingin
theatmosphere.Ihavetoconsciouslyshiftfromthisspaceofwanting
somethingtobecompletedinmylifetoreallysitinthesounds.Butthey
areverywarm.Itisn’thardtomaketheshift. Doesthismusiccomeonly
frommyrationalbrain.Ittookmesometimetoworkatthechords,it
definitelywasn’tspontaneous.Istartedwithasuperficialrelationship
withthesoundsbutasImemorizedthemadeeperconnectionwas
created.
7:30
Ichangetherhythmslightly.Ilistentothedecayofthestrings.Opening
myeyesoutwardnotstuckonthestrings.Changingtherhythmand
addingrolledchords.Thenchangedanoteinonechord.Isthisall
musicalaestheticismor…?Stillabitoffrustrationaroundthedelivery.
June1,2000
NewMoon1912
Dreams
I’minsomekindofprayergroup.Wearesayingaverseandoffering
communion.Thereissomeconfusionaboutwhichverse.Beforethis
someonecallsAndreabythewrongpronunciation. Icorrectthem.We
areridinginabustogetherbutI’mworriedbythedriver,becauseheis
goingintotheotherlaneoronthecurb.TSSbroughtallofherfurcoats

39
forusto”play”with.ItellherIthinkI’llwearonetodothedishes.cShe
startstelling mewhatfineconditionthecoatsusedtobein.Idecidetonot
playwiththecoats.Backtodriving thecaronacourse.Theykeeptelling
metohurry. Sharoniswavingmeon,butthecourseisconfusingand
sometimescarsarecomingatme.
Haiku78
Comments
IplaytheHaikufromyesterday.Thechordalmusicisverycalming.Iwas
abletomove. through thechordsbetter,takingawaysomeofthe
frustration. Quicktensiontoanopeningreleasethatdoesnotresolve.
Gchordwith7
Fchordwith7
Cchordwith6
Cchordwith6and7
Gchordwith7
Expansionofspaceandawarenessofthebody,acosmicfeeling.IfI’mnot
abletoacceptthismusiconaheartlevelitseemslikemoodmusicorlike
jazz.
June2,2000
Dreams
IrunandsayhellotoTyler.Shaneseesmeandgivesmetheeye.Itell
him,I’mnotinterestedinTyler,justfriends. ThenAnyaandIare
together. AtfirstI’mplayingwithherbaby.Iseeastring,shecallsit
something.Ipullthestringandawholeroomisrevealed.It’sfully
furnished andverybeautifulandcomfy.IamgivingShaneandAnyaa
weddinggift.Alloftheirotherfriendsarethere.Theyarecoolandinthe
artcrowd.Ifeeloutoftheloop.Theyaretalkingaboutwhetherpeople
runhotorcoldbysayingsharporflat.Ifeelliketheonlyonewhoruns
flat.Ihaveaninnercoolness. Linda,mycousin,isalexplainingwhy
she’ssingle.
NapDream
I’mclimbingupasteepmountain. Atdifferentlevelspeoplehavetheir
blanketslaidoutandtheyarewatchingtheoceanwaves.Asweget
furtheraway,Isaythatthepeopleareathletesbecause whentheygethot
theyrundowntothewaterandback,anditisfaraway.Thereissometalk
ofstartingahouse ofcouples,allmenandwomencouples,butIhaveto
bewithsomeman.Theywantmetogiveitachance. I’mnotveryexcited
bythisandwouldrathermaintainsinglestatus.Atthetop,Ihearthis
woman,whoisayoungdyketalkingtoGlenMiller.Heiscomposing
songsandsheisnotatingthem.Sheisenamoredwithhimandalso
stardom. Idon’tunderstandwhybecausehissongsarejustsimpleand
silly.Shekeepsthankinghim.
IwakeupwiththebasspartofBlessingsinmyhead.LaurieandIhad
endedthesecondtolastpieceofour”vigil”forRachaelinthisway.We
playedthismorning.

40
Haiku79’·
Comments ..
.RhythmoftheoceanwithloudsandsoftsworkingwiththeRhythm.A
senseofitgoingforeverandevenweknowitinMontanawhereIcan’t
seetheliteralocean.Icanhearit,ortheliteraloceanisreallytheconstant
rhythmicpulseoflife.Majorwithdissonances.Bright. 4/4whichis
interestingasanembodyingforce.
Later
Withthequickchangesofrhythm,Ihavetoembodytheoceantofeelthe
music.Thenthenuancingisdramatic,naturalandcorrect. Thisisvery
muchliketheWindpiece.Thisisjustanintroductionandawholeworld
lives,waitingformetoenter.Mywholeheartcontractedandreleasedto
thisthought,actualphysicalpainandIcriedout.Butthemusicitself,I
noticeinmeasureB,themotionofsteppingintoanotherworldortime.
Thenextphraseisanexplosion.Theexplosionisemotional,areleaseof
light,fireworks,orgasm,chaos.RemindsmeofWillyWonkaandthe
chocolateFactoryonthetrain,whenthingsgetmoreandmoreoutof
controlandscaryandthenacompletearrival.Thenuancingand
dynamicsareeverythingisthiskindofcomposition.
June4,2000
Dreams
AJapanesewoman’sbrotherisoutofcontrol. Iseehimwhenhe’syoung,
ignitinghisbootsonfiretowatchthemburn..Whenheisolderhedoes
manysexuallyterriblethings.Abunchofclassmatesarethere.Wewill
playforthesister.Beforethisateachingonsomethingverycomplicated.
Ican’tremember,somethingethicalwithnoonebeingright.BeforethisI
wokewithsoundfloodinginlikethe1HXpromotioninthemovies,
goingbacktoquiettoloud.Aprescription?
Haiku80
Comments
June5,2000
Dreams
AdreamofmarryingMichaelM.Idecidedtowearreallyhighshoes
undermydresssowedon’tlooktoodifferent. Itisatraditionaldress.I
feellikeIdon’tknowMichael.
June6,2000
Dreams
Animageofapareshapedwomanwhois8monthspregnantandthebaby
lookedlikeapear.Aperson(I’mactuallysleepingonmystomach)comes
frombehindandsliphis(Ibelieve)armaroundme.I’mnotsurewhether
thisisfriendlyornotandI’mpreparingtofight,butIrealizeI’mina
reallybadpositionsoIpretendtosleepandsenseifthepersonisgood.He
is.Irestintothegesture.

41
Haiku81
Comments
I’mthinkingthatyouhavetohaveweighttorelease.Ihavean
impressionofopenandoptirnistic,openarms.Anopeningphrase,butno
melody,thoughtorexpression,veryincomplete..
June7,2000
Dreams
Ihavetohavesurgeryinmystomach region. I’mnervous.Thereisa
woman whoIdon’tlikethatwillbewithme.Idecidetogowithouther.I
talktothenurseandaskherwhenshethinksIshoulddosurgeryand
withwho.Itellheritisreallyimportanttomethatmybody berespected.
Iaskifit’sbetter formetocorneinthemorning.Shesaysyes.IrealizeI
wantthemtocheckmyovariesandmyleveloffertilitywhiletheyarein
thatarea.I’mverynervousandIkeepseeingtheyoungmenwhoarethe
doctorsandI’mnotcomforted. Thenurseisgreat.
June8,2000
Dreams
I’mgoingtoabarandIhearMichaelM.’svoice.I’mtryingtogetinandI
pay$20.TheshowisoverandIwantmymoneyback,butnooneis
payingattention.Myparentsandmybrotherarehere. Mybrotheris
eatingsushiwithAlice.Aliceisashappyasaclam.Thebarissmoky,
mostlyfullofoldmen.IthinkwhatthehellamIdoingchasingsomeguy
Idon’tevenknow. IwaketoSalveregina.
June9,2000
Dreams
I’mwithWendyS.andshehasaskedthisotherwomantostayovernight
withthiscrazyman.Shehasdoneitbefore,butisnotstrongenoughto
maintainherbalanceatthistime.TheybothaskmeifIwilldoit.I’m
scaredbutIsayyes.Wendysaysthatthewholehousewillreflectthecrazy
man. WhenwegetthereI’matabeachandpeoplearethrowinghuge
spheres ateachother.Wegettohishouseanditistheguywhosingsin
theUniversitychoir.HeisItalianlookingandolder.Forsomereason,I
havenotfeltgoodabouthim.Mybrotheristhere.
NowitisJaneandMichaeladvisingme.HeisoddbutI’mnotso
muchscaredofhim.Heleavesforawhile. ImentionthatIhadbeen
warned abouthim,butIthoughthewasfine.Thisisthewrongthingto
say.IhearhimwithJaneandMichaelsayingwhycan’twejusthavea
regular date.Ithenseehimwhipoutthishugechainandstarttobeat
himself withit.AnothersceneatthesametimeisextremeArabtypes
willingtodieforthecause.Thearefightingeachother.Thisguysenergy
wassoodd.Heisbasicallytrappedinhimself.

42
June10,2000 ..,….’-”
Dreams :.:.
I’mlateformyflighttoMontana.”Theflightisat4:30anditis3,’butr
havetopackanddrivetotheairport.I’minOakland.Atfirstwith’
WendyandDebbie,butlatterI’mfeelingallthisemotionandI’mtryingto
findmymom.I’mgoingbackandforthbecauseshedoesn’tlikeor
understandmyemotionsoremotionsingeneral. Butrfindherandtell
herhowgratefulramforthemoneythatshehaslentme,sorcoulddo
Chalice.
Haiku82
June11,2000
Dreams
I’mFI!minor.rliveinthebasementwithapoorJewishfamily.I’min
myroomsleepingandablackmanbreaksthroughmywindowandcomes
in.Hethengoesoutanotherwindowandstealssomeone’scar.Heseems
happytobeabletoscaremewithoutreallydoinganything.Tauntingme.
rgotothefamily.Thereisasister.Sheistellingmemyfootstepsaretoo
loud.
Haiku83
Comments
rplayyesterday’sHaiku.Itisverywarm.rwanttowritemoreandit
sometimessoundsfamiliar.Themajor5thattheendremindsmeof
Japan.Thewholepieceiscompellingtome.rwanttoplayitoverand
over,goingdeeperintonuanceeachtime. Itisminor,butrfeelit
speedingmywholebodyprocesses.Maybethishasmoretodowithtempo
andrhythm.rfeelheart,headactivation.rhearitasasymphonyattimes
withmanytexturesandahugebuildingupofsoundandenergy.
June12,2000
Haiku84
Other
LaurieandAndreaplayedavigilforme.raskedforprescriptivemusic
aroundintegratingarememberingmydreamsintoconsciouslife.
Salvemater
Pangelingua
GartanMother’sLullaby
Aportainferi
ImprovisationandSalveregina
rwantedtowriteaboutwhatstoodouttomeandwhatrremembered.
AndreastartsPangelinguawiththelowe,sheisvaryingtherhythmof
themelody.rfeelveryrearrangedeverytimethatshecomesbacktothe
tonicinthemelodyandshedronesaloweinthebass.rfindmyselfgoing
deeperintothemusicinthispiece,eachtimeshereturnstothetonicI

43
shiftdeeper.IhaveahardtimewithGartenMother’sLullabysoIwas
expectingitandnotexcited,butIfoundmyselftransported.Themetered
tempodidnotfeelconfining. AndreaandLauriearegoingbackandforth
betweenprescribingminorandmajor.Ifeelmuchmoretransportedby
theminor,butIdon’tknowifthisisbecauseitisprecededbythemajor.
Aportaisthefirstpiecethattheyusevoiceandharmony. Laurieseems
toofaraway,Inoticethiswiththevoiceespecially. Andreaisrightbehind
mebutsheisholdingback. Iwantallthesound.Iespeciallylikethe
improvisationthatstartsinminorthenmovestomajorasLauriesings
Salveregina,butmaintainsbothasAndreaholdsaminormelodyatthe
sametime.Eachsilenceinbetween thesongsisverypotent. Ithinkthat
weshouldbeverycarefultoholdthoseasactualsilences,notthinking
aboutthat’snextorwhattoprescribe.Thelastsilence,afterAndrea
touchedmelightlyandtheysangacappellawasthemostpotent. Allof
thesoundwassettlinginmybody andIwashavingmany feelings.
Andreastayedwithme,which wasgreat. Justholdingmeinthesilence.I
hadmanythoughts duringthevigil.Butthemostheartfeltwastheidea
thatIcoulddoanything, includingdiepeacefullysurroundingbythe
goodnessofpeoplewhowouldcomeforthandsingwithsuchopen
hearts.Ialsonoticedthebeauty oftone.Who caresaboutwrongnotes,
theydidn’tmakeanydifferenceexceptwhenthepersonreactedtothem’ as
iftheywerewrong. WiththevoicesIlovedtheresonant,almostclosed
sound, notsomuchofaclear, puretone.Itwaslovely andopenedmein
somany ways. Ialsothoughtabout alltheskillsIneedtodevelopifIam
topracticealone. Iwantedtobetouchedafterthemusichadopenedmea
bit,toreallybeheld.Themomentsofharmonyfromunisonorunisonto
harmonywerealwayspotent.
June13,2000
Dreams
Dreamsaboutvacuuming,butnothingwasbeingsuckedupandwhenI
lookedatthebagitwasnotopeningalltheway. Thereweremaggots
crawlingaround.
ThenI’mtakingapictureofacouple.AwhitemanandanAsian
woman.Weareinapublicspacesotherearetonsofpeopleintheway.
Thecouplekeepsmoving.Ifinally havegotten themreadyandIrealizeI
don’tknowhowtoreadthelightmeterofthecamera.ThenIhavetoask
themanandhegetsoutofposetoshowme.Itisfrustrating,tryingtotake
thephoto.
Haiku85&86
Comments
I’mworkingwithsomeofthesameideasasmycompositionyesterday.
Syncopation,livelytempo,open4thsand5ths. Itisindminor. The
Haikuhasanancientsoundwithsomemysterylikeadancewith
unexpectedpauses,thateveryone knowsabout. Thismakesmethinkthat

44
whatIthinkofthepausesinmylifearereallythemostjuicypoints~.,
.intermsofthebuildingofenergyintheoverallpicture.
6:30
Playedagain.I’mverydiffusedsotherewasaclaritygained.Idon’tknow
ifthatisjustfromplayingingeneralorthispieceinspecific. Ittookmea
whiletofindthespiritofthepiece,butIdid.Apragmaticspiritwitha
mysticaledge. .
June14,2000
Dreams
I’mlookingatmusicunderamicroscope.I’mlookingat2aspectsover
andover.IwakewithAspergesme.
Haiku
Comments
Istartbypullingaquote.
Theearisallthatremainsofthecapacity
toperceivetheharmonyofthespheres.
Idon’tbelievethis,itdoesnotstrikemeastrue.Wehaveallofour
capacities,nonearecompletelylost,notfunctioningbutnotlost.
10:30PM
Myimpressionofthispieceisthatithasnotarrived.Itwasauthenticand
itholdssomethingbutplayingitnowrevealsthatitisnothere.
June18,2000
Itisinterestingthiswordingofcompositionsarriving.Wheredothey
comefrom.Whatkeepsthemfromarriving.Howcanyouarrive
partially?
June15,2000
Yesterday
Dreams
I’msleepingwithKathyinmybrother’sbed.Sheaskstoseemycuntand
Ishowher,tellingheritisredfromthedrive.Sheasksifallcuntsgetred
fromdriving.IsaynomineisredbecauseIcutoffthehairforthetripand
itwasitchygrowingin.Thenwehearstormsoutthewindow.Kathycalls
thestormdynamicvariation.
BeforethisLindaisteachingaclassinresearch.Sheisencouragingus
tocallwritersandaskthemaboutresearch.Shehasapictureoftheclass
andwhereweareinverticalandhorizontalrelationship.I’mwayupa
tree,kindofoutofthealignment. InLinda’steachingtherewasonefact
thatshehadwrong.Someonecorrectedherandshehadtochangeher
premise,butshelaughed.Thefactsweren’tthatimportant,theideas
behindthem.
Ihavearentalcar,butI’mtryingtogetasmalleroneforSuzandIand
oneotherperson.

45
BeforethisI’mwithWendi.
PlayedavigilforLaurie. Itwasevidentthatwewerenotaddressing what
sheneeded. Beforethevigilshehadmentionedthatshewaslookingfor
clarity.Itotallydidnotgodeeperintothinking aboutthisbeyondtheidea
ofcooling andmelody.AndreaandIwereboththinkingalong’ these, ‘
lines.Butunderneathwhatshewassayingwasreallyaboutheartclarity.I
thinkweneededtogotowardwarmthandharmony. Wedidalittle,but
Laurie’s foreheadreallyneverloosened. Shegaveusfeedbackaround
tempo being toofast.Iwenthorneandplayedveryslowlyandfeltthe
deepeningoftheheart. ThisiswhenIrealizedsomethingaboutmy
misinterpretationofLaurie’s words.LaterLauriesaidshecouldnot
connecttothemusic andthiswasevidentforus.Whydoesthishappen?
Iwascaughtinapreconception,inarticulatedandsoitwasdifficultfor
metomoveoutofit.Hopefully Ihavelearnedandwillbeopenmore
flexibilitywhenIseethisinmyself.Butthevigilsareorchestratedbythe
“patient” andLauriehashadaproblemfeelingconnected. Latershesaid
thatsheknewsomethingwaswrongwhenshewasnotmovedbyAndrea
andIplayingforher.Thisistruetoo.Another learning.
June16,2000
FullMoon1527
Dreams
I’mamwithanotherwomanwhoisIndian fromIndia.MaybeI’min
India.Thereisamanhere. Ilikehiminstantly. Heisyoungerthanme.I
knowhiminmyheartandtakehishandandkisshimandmakelove.
HelaughsbecauseI’msoforward, butIhaddecidedIcan’tbesocautious.
Haiku88
Comments
Itisabeautifulsunnymorning. Thelastnoteofthemotif withtheb
natural shiftsmedown,sensually intoanother realm,morefeeling and
sensitivity. Onlytheshiftbecausetheotherworldstandssidebyside.
ThisshiftisabitjarringbutonceI’minIlikeit..I’dliketoseewherea
longerpiecewiththismovementwouldtakeme.
LaterinthedayItryandplaybememory.OnceIrememberedthegeneral
concept(what’s that?),Icouldplayit.Ilikelingeringonthebnaturalin
thelastmotif.
June17,2000
Yesterday
Dreams
I’mwithPamHornandweareinaclasstogether. Thereisjustthetwoof
us.Theteacherhashadusbothpickasonginneurnestosightreadfor
theclass. MineisfromSpain,butitisinOldGerman.Thepiecestartsin
CandIgetmynotebydippingapaintbrushinabowlofwater. Iaskthe

46
.,-
teacherifIgottherightnoteandshesaidI’msingingavarietyofnotes.I
hitthebowlandsingthenotebutIdon’tknowifthatisthesamenoteas
thewaterorifitisthenoteofthe’bowl. Pamsaysthatshecandoit,but
shesingsavarietyofnotestoo.Thenwesingtogether.Thepiecewanders
inintervals,itisnotstepwisemotion. Themusicisquiteunorganized.
MichaelM.comesinandI’membarrassed.
Comments
Iwokefromthedreamandjuststartingwriting:Musicisnota
metaphoricalwayofunderstanding.Spiritualexperiencesareoften
spokenaboutmetaphorically.”IwassomovedbythebeautyitwasasifI
becamethelake”. Youdidbecomethelake.Proveit.Itissocommon
whywouldyouhavetoproveit.Sensingmusicisoftendescribed
metaphorically.Themajortonalityislikeahugewaveofwarmth
penetratingmybody. Iseemsarroganttoassumeweknowmusicenough
tosaymusicisapenetratingforceintomysoul,buttosayitislikethatis
weak.Musicisoftenusedasametaphorwithmusic. Themelodicline
wasaspeciallycreatedtinctureofselflove.Thesestatementsareheart
warmingtoonetypeofpersonandconfusingtoanother.LisaSummers
writesawholebookagainstthenewage’smovement’simageofmusicas
ametaphorthatisnotbackedinscienceandcanbeharmfulbyits
implicationofsupernaturalhealingpowersofmusic.ThoughIhavebeen
skepticalofthewaysofcommandingmusicsuchanamazingforceonthe
onesideordeducingitdowntothiselementcausethatinscientific
studies,thePhenomenologyofmusiccanbringinmoresubtleelements
toworkwithwhichhavestrongimplicationsfortheharmonizingofart
andscienceintheevolutionofthehealing.
June18,2000
Dreams
I’minElSalvador.I’mwalkinginanisolatedpartoftownwherethey
havea”zoo”.Therearemanycagesofwildanddomesticanimals.They
alllookterrible,theyarestarvingtodeathandbecomingmeanbecauseof
it.Astraydogapproachesmeandchompsdownonmyarm,thelower
part).HeknocksmedownandIthinkthisisbad.Ihavetokeepstanding
sohedoesn’tgettheideaI’msmall.InthedreamthereisnopainandI
amnotafraid,justconfusedonhowtounattachmyself.Itellhimno.I
don’twanttostruggletoohardbecauseIdon’twanthiskillinginstinctto
kickin.SothenItoneasdeepandgrowllikeasIcanandherunsaway.
Thisisanahamoment,butIdon’treallyunderstanditnow.I’mona
hillsideandIlookatthedawningofthesun.Thecolorsarebeauti£ullike
Montana,butthepollutionfromcarsfillstheair.Mybrotheriswithme
tellingmethattheyhavenophonelinesandthatisniceforthelandscape.
(Allthephonesarecellular).
ThenI’mwiththeclassandSharonwantsmetoplay2Tuvansongs
fortheclass,butitisonatapecassetteandtherecorderisfunkythatIcan’t
controlrewindandforwardorstop.Thisisveryfrustrating.Cynthia

47
comes tohelp.Butmostlywatches mesmiling.Sharoncallsmeonthe
phone andtalksverysadly,sayingeveryonenoticesAnna,butlooksover
Suzanne andsomeone else.Sheiscrying.Shetellsmesomething
positiveaboutmytapeplayingskills.
Haiku89
Comments
Theimages thatstandoutfromthedreamaretheanimalsincages. Some
wereveryexotic, animalsthatdon’texistonEarth.Thesunriseorthe
dogchomping onmyarm.IwillholdallthreethroughtheHaiku.
Mixolydian
2/4,2/8/3/4
Dtonic
D-A
Impression
Movingcurrents,swiftlypullingwhateveristherealong.Anintegration
formyselfofemotionalcontentwithoutknowingexactlywhatthat
contentis.
June19,2000
Dreams
TSSisupset. Sheislisteningtosomeofusplayandsing.Sheis
disappointed.I’minOaklandgoingtohighschool. Itisreallyhot.I’m
tryingtofindsomethingtowear.Ihearmydadtellingastoryaboutmy
brotherbeingcoldatatruckstop. IthinkthatIseemygrandmotherout
thewindowandmyheartissofttowardsher.Therosesonthesideofthe
houseareblooming.Therearemanyfullbloomedpinkroses.
Haiku90
Comments
ImageofGrandmother
Lotsofhighcinasomewhatrandombutpatternedmovement. Not
reallymelodicbutsoundscomingthroughfromabove.Likethesounds
oftalkingfromheaven. .
June20,2000
Dream
I’matthelibrarygetting4bagsofpopcornforLois.SometimesIscoopup
bitsofdonuts. Inthelibrary,I’mlookingforimages.Itellthelibrarian
howI’msearching andwhatI’mfinding.HeseemstothinkthatI’m
doingtherightthing.
Haiku90
Comment
Withallthemovement,thereisabalancedfeeling,asenseofharmony
andwellbeing.Icanimagineaconstanttrailofthismusicshoweringme.

48
June21,2000’ .” -.. ‘.’,
.Yesterday ,’ :
.Isleptoutside,itwasverycold.I’msadbythetypeofguythatIattract.
Davekissedmegood-bye. Yuck.
Haiku91
Comment
Minor,movingmelody..Stepwisewithaconstancyandasolidbeat.
Rotationareeven..Iimproviseaddingprogressivelymoretexture.The
contrarymotionfeelsgood.
Dream(nap)
Specialgrowsoundrocks,goodeating.Lindaiscomposingatune.Iadd
thewaterhose,soundingthegushofwaterandreleasing.Sharonis
composingtoo.I’mtalkingtomyhusbandaboutdinnerplans,buthehas
surgeryat7:30,sowecan’thavedinner.Isaythat’sfine,itisunexpected
surgery.
June22,2000
Haiku91?
Comment
Echoysound.Lotsofovertones,oddglitchintherhythmthatmakesme
stayawakeorthemelodylullsmetounconsciousness.Spiral.
June23,2000
Dream
I’mtakingcareofabunchofkids,8-10ofthem.MybrotherandLaurieare
theretoo.AtonepointI’mmakingsureeveryonehasabikehelmet.
ThenI’mdrivingavanwithsomeoftheolderkidsdrivingbehindme.I
pulloversoIdon’tloosethemandthenwearethere.
Haiku92
Comment
I’mhappyaboutthewaythattheHaikumovesfrommajorandminor.
ThelastnoteIheardandhadtofigureoutwhatitwas.Analyzingthe
leaps,theyareallM6thsexceptthem7th.SoI’mnotsurewhatI’m
hearingbecauseIfeltahugechangefromthefirstrepeatedphrasetothe
second.Thewholepiecestartstoaccelerate.Ihaveanimpressionof
fickleness,everchangingmotionoftheheart,butunderlyingthatis
goodness.
June26,2000
Dream
Sarahisinmydream. Wearediscussingwork. I’llwatchherbaby,whois
agirl.IwaketoCherishallThings,whichhasbeenfloatingfortoolongin
myhead.
Haiku93

49
June27,2000
Dream
Dreams ofhaving tocomeinwithpeoplejustoutoftheblue,fittinginto
theirstructure. (Weareplayingmusic).
Haiku 94
Comments
ThinkingofJohn
June28,2000
Dream
ZackininmydreamandastoryaboutAnna.Shewasgoingtogiveup
herchildrenbutwasreinspiredandtheyarethemostvaluableaspectof
herlife.LaurieandIaretalkingaboutchildren.
Haiku95
Comment
Asenseofinnermovementpulsinganddirecting.Thisisveryenliving
forme.Sharonusesthisfeelingalotinhermusicinthevigils.Asense
ofdivineforce.Iamnotskilledattechnically playingthis,itrequiresa
mentalcapacitywhichI’mborderingon.Isthisfeelingalwaysmetered.I
thinknot.Lindahasthemoreunmeteredflow.
June29,2000
Dream
AJapanesewomaniswithmeallthetime. Shelikesmeinanon-sexual
wayandisexcitedformetoshow heraround.Idon’tlikeherandwhenI
pullawayandabandonher,shecallsmehomophobic. Thenanimageofa
fatherbeatinghisson.Thesonisaproblemchild.Thefatherputshim
intohisroomwhichheshareswithhissister.Hebangsherwithhisown
headandprocedestokillher.Heisyoung,7or8.
Haiku96
June30,2000
Yesterday
Nonnieishereandwehadalongdiscussionaboutlanguagingandshe
feltcutoffbyme(althoughinthemomentshedidn’tshowthat). Ifelt
protectveofthefieldofmusicthatwascreatedaroundher.Icouldhave
beenmore graceful sayingthatIwantedthemusictoworkdeeper.She
wanted thesamethingbutdoesitbyintegratingwithlanguage.Isee
having theflipofthiswhereI’minNormie’splacewithmymom.sothis
makesmeconfused andleadstoabitmorecompassionforher.Atthe
sametimeIaskedthatNonnienotseethislackofconnectionasalackof
love,buymymomandIhavesaiditisalackofloveandInsayingthat
morelovefilledin.
Dream
IwokewithKyrieofBVM
Haiku97

50
Comment
Myfeelingisofholdingfragmentedpartstobuildsomethingthatissolid
andwhole,butnotnecessarily traditionalorexpected.
July3,2000
Haiku98
July4,2000
Dream
IhearIt’sagifttobesimple
Haiku99
Comment
Iworkedonthissonglastnightbutdidnotwriteitdown.
July15,2000
Haiku100

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