ThisIsMyBody,
Which’ShallBeGivenUpForYou:
AJourneytothePediatricBedside
CynthiaMarlFerrara
Copyright©2000CynthiaMariFerraraWood
AllRightsReserved

Acknowledgments
ItiswithgreatpleasurethatIamabletoextendmydeepestthankstosomany: ToTherese
Schroeder-Sheker, thefounderoftheChaliceofReposeProjectandvisionaryforourwork
withthedying,Icontinuetobeawedbyyourdepthofinsight,researchanddedicationto
thisworkanditscontinuationintradition. ToSharonMurfin, atrulyinspiredmusician, you
continuetoburnbrighterthantherestofusandleadusforwardbyacceptingnothingless
thanwhatyou,yourselfwouldgive.ToLoisMandelko, myvoiceinstructor,forpointing
theway,everyweek,withoutfailandingreatdepthofbeing. ToJocelynBotkin, myharp
instructor,forofferingmealloftheseedsofmusicalitywhichcontinuetobuddaily.To
LindaSchneck, myensembledirector,youshowedmehowmusicdancesandthatIcan
learntoaccompanytherain. ToLauraMoya, abirdofsongandbeauty,you’veinspired
meinwaysyoucan’tevenknow.
Tothe’fly-in’faculty-RobertSardello,KenThorp,FredPaxtonandAliceReich-you
eachrenewmewitheveryvisit.InyourexampleofdedicationIhavecontinuallyfoundthe
strengthtomoveforward.Maythewavesofsomanysoulscontinuetojoinintraditionand
belivedindailyritual.
Tothepeoplewhostoodbymeandsupportedmychoicesinlife:JosephandNancy
Ferrara, myparentsandRobertStein, mydearestfriend.
ToBarbCabotforthechallengetowriteandwillingnesstoencourageit.
ToHillyBolforreminding methatIknowsomethingofchildrenthroughtheintimateplace
ofmychildhood.
ToJasonKurtzandthecountlesspeoplewhowillingandgraciouslyreadmypaperagain
andagain:youeachnourishedandguidedmyjourneytenderly.
Tomyclassmatesandsoulcompanionswhowillliveinmeforever:Andrea, Anna, Barb,
Dolan, Hilly,Jane,Karla, Kelly,Laurie, Michael, SharilynandSuzanne.
Tothechildren, whoinspiremetoletgo,tolivebravelyandtoquestioneverythingin
simplicityandhonesty-mayIneverstoplearningfromyourexample.
2

•
•
Runaway,littlecomet’s-hair-comber!
Thewildgrass,inthewind,willbeyourhair;
Fromyourbrokeneyetherewillgushoutthe
Will-o=the-wisps,prisonersinyourweakhead
Thegrave-flowers theycallLove-in-Idleness
Willseedthere,toswellyourearthlylaugh. …
AndSolitary’s flower,forget-me-nots.
Go,littlepoet:yourcoffin’saplaything
Fortheundertaker’s-men,asound-box
Foryourpenitentiary’slastsiren…
Theythinkyou’redead-they’resodumb, thesegrown-ups-
Runaway,littlecomet’s-hair-comber!’
1Corbiere,Edouard, “Afterwards”partIV,Immaculate,SisterMary,C.S.C. (ed.),TheCryofRachel-An
Anthology ofElegiesonChildren,RandomHouse,Inc.,NewYork,NY,1966,p.56.
3

Forward
Ihavefeltacallingtoworkwithchildrenforsometime,perhapsforaslongasmysoulhas
breathed.Ittookmeawhiletoopenlywelcomethistopicandtobewillingtowriteabout
it.Ireceivedencouragementfrommanydirections.These’directions’ convergedlikethe
fourwindslendingconfirmationandfanningthesparkwhichwaswellonitswayto
becominganember.Butahesitationremainedwithinmeborneofsomefear.WhatcouldI
knowaboutchildren?Ihavenevergivenbirthtoanotherlivingbeing. Ihavenever
adopted.IhaveneverworkedinanyenvironmentwhereIwasresponsiblefornurturing,
guidingorteachingchildren.AndwhileitistruethatIcamethroughmyownchildhood
andsharedinthelivesofmydearestandoldestfriendsandtheirchildren, Idonotconsider
thistobetheonlyoreventhelargestseedofmydesire.’Myinclinationsseemedtorise
fromaplaceofawesurroundingapureessenceofhumanitywhichIdidnotmeetuntilafter
myfirstmomentsatthebedsideofthedying.Itwasinthisplaceofvulnerability-both
mineandthedying-thatIbegantowitnesssomethingunfoldinmyselfSomespecialplace
oftendernesswhichhadbeenlongsinceshutdown. Whenthisspaceinmyheartbeganto
openlikeafloweritdisplayedsomethingnewwitheachmoment.Somethingimpenetrable
waswarmedbytouchandIbegantorecognizethesourcesofmyfear.Iwasafraidtobe
soopenthatIwouldbewounded.IwasafraidtobesoopenthatIwouldnothavethe
capacityrecoilatwill.AndprobablymygreatestfearwasthatImightactuallybeableto
controltheshuttingdownbutneverbeabletoopenagaintoanydepthofconsequence.I
wasafraidtolosethevulnerabilitywhichwasworkingtosurviveinme.Itwantedtolive
andgrow.Itaskedtobenurtured.’ ItwasfromthisplaceofwisdomthatIbeganto
recognizemyinnerdesiretoservedyingchildren. Theyareoftenthemostopenofheart
2Inchildhood, activitieslikeblowingbubbles,skippingropeandillustratingwithsidewalkchalk, werethe
necessaryaffairsofdailylife.Theytaughtmeagreatdealandledmetonewdirections, hutnotuntillater
lifedidIrecognizetheirvalueandnecessityinmyownhealthandperceptionofmyreality.Now,Ihave
putaconsiderableamountofeffortintoexploringandrecapturingthesechildhoodactivities.Theyhave
greatlynourishedmysoulintoamoreconsciousadultlife.
3AsIbegantorecognizethis,Islowlyworkedtoputinplacedailypracticeswhichwouldholdopena
spaceforthisnewbud. Therearemanyareasinourlives,bothpublicandprivate,whichweprotectwith
greatveracity. WitnessingthisinmyselfIattempttomakeadailypracticeofexploringtheseinmy
spiritual,emotionalandphysicalselfthroughsuchmediumsasprayer-bothsungandspoken-,yogaand
speech.
·4

and,simultaneously,themostvulnerable.”ItwasherethatIhadtoembracethewisdomof
mychoice.Ihadtoacknowledgetomyselfthatmostpeoplechoosetobeinvolvedinthe
lifeofachildsothattheycanhelpayoungmindorbodygrow.Ihavemadeaconscious
decisiontoenterinwherechildrenaredyingsothatIcanhelptonurtureachildintoa
blesseddeath.
IfoundgreatcomfortinknowingthatIwasnotaloneinmyfears.In1978,MyraBluebond
-Langnercompletedherdissertation, ThePrivateWorldsofDyingChildren.’Inher
appendix., “DoingtheFieldwork:APersonalAccount”,shespeaksopenlyofherownentry
intoastudysurroundingwhatdyingchildrenknowabouttheirillnessesandtheir
environment.Sheexpressesherownfearsandconcernsaboutenteringthisspecificworld
andherownlackofpractical experience.Shecomments openlyabouthernaiveyouth, the
factthatshehadneverattendedafuneralandthatherexposuretodeathwaslimitedtothe
media(movies,theater)andliterature.Yet,Myramadeherselfvulnerableandpresentto
thedyingchildren.
IwasencouragedbyMyra’s bravesteps; none-the-less,mytrepidationremainedcircling
aroundentryintothispaper, entryintothisfield,entryintothisresearch.AgainIasked
aboutthefearandthevulnerabilityofthewritingprocess.ThetopicwhichIoriginally
framedforresearchwasratherlargeandleftmefeelingwhelmed.Thefirstconsiderations
tochangemytopiccameasaresultofarecentarticleinTheNewEnglandJournalof
MedicinewhichwasauthoredbyJoanneWolfe,MDet.al.”Itisacommentaryregarding
thecurrentstateofpediatricpainmanagementinend-of-lifecare.HereiswhereIfound
thecouragetoenter. Ibecameconcernedwiththeissueofpediatricpainandhowitvaried
4Onthewallinmybedroom,nearmyharp,myplaceofpracticeandmyplaceofmeditationisapicture
whichservesasaconstantreminder.Agroupofwomanareseatedinthegrassinagrovenearthegas
chambersofanunknownconcentrationcamp.-Theirfacesbetraytheknowledgeoftheirfate. Inthemidst
ofthishorrorarethechildren,playing.Onlyonefacemakescontactwiththecameraandacknowledgesits
presence.Inthisonechild’s faceisthehopeofanentirenationandthesoulsofallofhumanity.Each
nightIlookuponthisfaceandtrytovowtoreconcileinmyheartonelifeandonedeath.
5Bluebond-Langner,Myra, ThePrivateWorldsofDyingChildren,PrincetonUniversityPress,Princeton,
NJ,1978.
6Wolfe,Joanneetal.,”SymptomsandSufferingattheEndofLifeinChildrenWithCancer,”TheNew
EnglandJournalofMedicine,Vol.342,N.5,February3,2000,p.326-333.
5

fromorwassimilartoadultpain.Ialsobegantoreaddeeperintothemedicalliteratureand
becameconcernedwithagreaterpain-theinvisiblepresenceofthesubjectsofthe
research.Thestatisticsaboutpainaridfamilyincomeandnationalitywereallthere,butthe
namesandfacesofthepeopleandtheircultureswerenot.Therecognitionofeach
individuallifewaslostinthemidstofdata. Iapplaudandrespectthemedicalcommunity
fortheirremarkableaccomplishments,butIbelievethatitispartoftheresponseofthe
Music-Thanantologist’tospeakpreciselytotheindividualnatureeachlifeanddeathinour
calltothebedside.”
Fromthispointmyresearchbegantotakeonalifeofitsownwithrespecttochildrenand
pediatricdeath. AsIbegantowelcomethepossibilitythatImighttrulybeable,andnot
justwilling,toworkatthebedsideofdyingchildren, IrealizedthatIhadtobegintoopenly
speakmydesire.Ineededtovocalizemywishestothepeoplearoundmeinordertoallow
arealitytobegintoform. AsIbegantospeakmytruthwithsimplecourage,otherscame
forwardandbegantotellmeoftheirexperienceswithdyingchildren.Theytoldmeabout
thepainandtheanguishwhichtheyfeltandwitnessed.Theytoldmeaboutthequick
burnoutandsleeplessnightsascaregivers,nurses,familymembers.Theseencounters
pushedmetoconsideryetagain, whatdidIthinkIcoulddoatthebedsideofachild?
Whatcontinuallycalledmetothiswork?AsmallvoiceinsideofmeinsistedthatIcould
attendtodyingchildren-perhapsforoneyear,perhapsforfive,perhapsfortherestofmy
7ThefieldofMusic- ThanantologyisgifttheofThereseSchroeder-Sheker. ThereseisthefounderofThe
ChaliceofRepose-SchoolofMusic-Thanantology.Thispalliativecareprogramforthedyingisaptly
describedasacontemplativepracticewithclinicalapplications.Throughherowndeeplyreflectivejourney
withmusicandpatientcare,Thereserecognizedtheintimaterelationshipwhichwasforgedbybringing
musictothebedsideofthedyingasamedicalmodality.TheworkofbeingaMusic-Thanantologistasks
mebringmyselftothisplaceoftransitionasfullyaspossibleinanefforttobepresentandwitnessthe
passingofeachuniquesoul. ItisthroughthisremarkablemomentthatIhavecometoacknowledgeand
understandtheuniversalityofdeath.Myownreflectivepracticeallowsmetoseehowdeathbindsus,one
toanotherandhowweareallafragmentofamuchgreaterexpression. Foramoredetailedaccountof
Therese’sownentranceintothisworkseetheattachedbibliographyunderMusic-Thanantology.
8Alongsidethefirstpictureonmywallisasecondentitled”ThedeathofachildintheWarsawghetto”.
Thispicturedisplaysagroupofpeople,standingandwaitingasifforabus.Theyclearlyseethecamera
andarefocusedonitasitfocusesonthem.Onthepavement,atthefeetofthesepeopleisthelifelessbody
ofachild.Noonestoopstotouchhim.Nooneevenlooksathim.Theworldofthesepoorfolkshas
becomesodevastatedthattheycannolongerpayattentiontothissortofdeath.Itisapparentthatdeath
happensdailybyunnaturaleventandsurvivalisthefocalpoint. Throughnecessitytheyoverlookthe
devastationoftheircurrentlivestotryandfindafuturewhichmayneverexist.
6

life.AsaMusic-Thanatologist,Ibelievethatwemustgotothisparticularbedsidewithits
veryparticulargriefButhowdowefindtheway?
AclassmatechallengedmetostartwritingfromwhereIwas,withallthatIhadinmyhead
andheart.”Justbegin”shesaid,”seewhatcomes.”IdidandIwastakenaback. Ididand
Ididn’tknowwhatIhadproduced.Thereweremanypageswhichredefinedmytopic.
WhatcameforthtoldmethatIneededtostartatthebeginning.Icouldhelpchildren,
dyingchildreninpain,ifIcouldfindawaytoholdthemagnitudeofthemomentinside
myselfandbeopenandvulnerableinthepresenceofallthatthevigilsettinghadtooffer.
Fromthisexerciseofwriting,IlearnedthatbeforeIevengettothisparticularbedside,I
needtomakesenseofthedeathofachild.Ineedtoexploremycosmologyandtheviews
ofothersandtoconsidertheessentialandsacrednatureofthechild.”Thiswillallowmeto
exploretheessenceofthedyingchild.Itwillallowmetobeabiggervesselforfamilygrief
sothatIdonotbecomemerelyacupwhichretainsandrisksbreakingundertheweightof
burnoutbutonethatalsohasthecapacitytopourforth. Ultimatelymyexplorationofthe
fearssurroundingthetopicofmypaper~thetopicofmylife-.hadtodowiththesheer
magnitudeofmyinnervisionofwhatthisworkcanbe.Ihavebeenforcedtolookatmy
ownabilitytobethevesseloftransformationforthismoment. TherealityisthatIam
unabletobethisvesselbymyselfItisagiftofGrace.ItisGracewhichguidedmetomy
topic.
Thefirstportionofmypaperisanexplorationonthesacrednatureofchildren;notchildren
assmalladults,butchildrenandtheirliving,VIbrantqualitiesandhowtheytranscendthe
adultsensitivitiesofdailylife.Thesearequalitieswhichweasadultsoftenlose,forget,
misplace,tossasideorhavetakenfromus.Childrenareinnocent,nomatterthe
circumstancesintowhichtheyareborn, Historically,intheirinnocenceandpotential, they
havebecomeonefocalpointfortheworld’saggression. Thisreason, aboveallothers,calls
‘1ThereadershouldunderstandthatIamnotattemptingtodisregardorignorethesacrednatureofadultsor
anyoftheothercreationsoftheuniverse.Forthepurposesofmypaper,Ihavechosentofocusonchildren
andholdinherentinthisdiscussionthatalloflifeissacred. .
7

metothebedside-tohelponechildtomoveintoablesseddeathcouldhelptoredeeman
actofviolenceagainsttheworld’schildren, oneatatime.lO
Somethingwithinchildrenspeakstomeofauthenticity.Theirvisionisclearandunbiased
althoughtheylearnquicklytothecontrarythroughharshreality..Thetruthwithintheir
beingscanbemetinmanyways, butthetruthfulnessofmusicandthehonestpresentation
ofdissonanceandconsonancehasaparticularwayofreflectingthefullspectrumofthe
vigilsetting.Inthisauthenticityandtruth, achild’slifeisnotinvain,nomatterhowshort.
Evenadyingchild’slifehasapurposeandanabundanceofgiftswhichwecanlearnfromif
wecanmusterthestrengthtolookthroughtheloss.ArecentobituaryspokeofIsabelle,a
beautifulninemontholdchild.Ihadcometoknowherfamilythroughthebirth, illnessand
deathofthisbrightstar.Ofherlife,thefollowingwassaid:
Duringhershortlifeshefacedmanychallenges.Isabelle
taughteveryonearoundherpatience, perseveranceand
strengththroughhermanystruggles.Thebiggestthing
Isabelletaughtwaslove.Shewasabletocommunicate
.withoutwords.Isabellehadbeautifulblueeyesandverybusy
hands. Shewasalwaysinconstantmotion. Shehadawayof
touchingpeoplewhohadthepleasureofmeetingher.evenin
theworstcircumstances.Shegavethislifeeverythingshe
had. II
Anoffshootofinnocenceandhonestyisalackoffearwhichseemstotranslateintoabrave
heart.Thischaracteristicisvisibleinmuchoftheliteraturesurroundingchildrenanddeath.
Manyseemtobearanextraordinarycapacitytofacedeathwiththesamestrengthand
forwardmotionwhichtheywoulduseinlife.Icanimaginethatonsomelevelthereisa
sensethatdestinyisinmotionwithinthesechildren.
10ArecentexperiencewithsomethingcalledKarmicYogahasenforcedthisviewinme.Karmaisthe
resultofaction. Allactionformsreaction.Throughthisyogapractice,Iwasgivenameanstoreflecton
thecircumstancesofmylifewhichbroughtmetothisplace. Throughtheworkexperience,Iwasgiventhe
toolstocarryondiscussionswithmydeepestselfandtobegintodeciphermyownrelationshipwithmy
chosenpath-inessence,myownactionsandreactions.Thiscontinuestobeadailyconversationand
.exploration.Atthismoment,Iknowthatitisnotbychancethatthosepictureshangonmywall.Iknow
thatitisnotmerelytheimageswhichmovemysoulbutadeeperconnectionandsenseoflossorinjustice
surroundingtheisolationofthosedeaths.Thosechildrenhavethepotentialtobeanyandeverychild.
And, insomewaystheyare.
11IsabelleHopeDahle, deceasedAprill, 2000, TheMissoulian.
8

Byfar,thequalityoflightwhichamazesmethemostaboutchildrenisplayfulness,the
abilitytoexploreandtoreturntoataskorgame,timeandagain. Thisgiftofmakingthe
ordinarynewagainissomethingchildrendowithease,whileadultsseeitasdrudgery.I
hearmymother’sadviceringinginmyears”learntomakeagameofit”-asthechildren
do.Thisisrepetitioninitsmostmusicalsense.
Iamwisetothefactthatchildrenarenotalwaysinnocentorhonest,withoutfearorplayful;
butforme,asaMusic-Thanatologist,Iidentifytheidealofthesequalitiesasbeing
important. Irecognizetheirvalueinmyinteractionswithchildrenandadults.Ialso
recognizemyowndifficultyinmaintainingthesequalitiesforanyextendedperiod.Ican
becometooimpatientandcritical. My’adult’sensesremindmetobetaskorientedand
focusedoncompletionforapurpose.Ienumerateandoutline. Iforgetthetimelessandthe
frivolous.Andthensuddenlyabottleofsoapbubblescatchesmyeyeoranurseryrhyme
entersmyhead.I:findtheimpulsetoskip.Iseethesilentpictureofachilddyingaloneon
thesidewalkandIremember.No,Idon’twishtogotothebedsideofadyingchildasa
teacher,butinsteadtobetaughtbyeachuniqueindividualspiritwhichImaybegiventhe
honortoattendinvigil.12
Theremainingportionofmypaperwillbemyinitialconsiderationsonhowtoenterthe
pediatricvigil. Iwillreflectontheintimatebondcreatedthroughvulnerabilityandthe
imageofself-sacrificeinthevigil.
12WhileRudolfSteinerexpressesthissamethoughtfromtheperspectiveoftheinstructor,hestill
recognizesthevalueofthechildasthesourceofwhatistobelearned.Healsounderstandsthenecessityof
thereflectiveprocessinholdingtheegooftheinstructorinrightrelationshipsoasnottoobscurewhatisto
belearned.”Nowwhereisthatbooktobefoundinwhichtheteachercanreadwhatteachingis?The
childrenthemselvesarethisbook. Weshouldnotlearntoteachoutofanyotherbookthantheonelying
openbeforeusandconsistingofthechildrenthemselves;butinordertoreadinthisbookweneedthe
widestpossibleinterestineachindividualchildandnothingmustdivertusfromthis.Heretheteachermay
wellexperiencedifficultiesandthesemustbeconsciously overcome.”Steiner,Rudolf:VeraCompton-
Burnett, translator,”LectureVI,Arnheim,22ndJuly,1924″inHumanValuesinEducation-TenLectures,
RudolfSteinerPress,London,England,1971,page116.
9

Therighteous, thoughhedieearly, willbeatrest.Foroldage
isnothonoredforlengthoftime,normeasuredbynumberof
years…
TherewasonewhopleasedGodandwaslovedbyhim,and
whilelivingamongsinnershewastakenup.Hewascaughtup
lestevilchangehisunderstandingorguiledeceivehissoul…
Beingperfected-in ashorttime,hefulfilledlongyearsforhis
soulwaswellpleasingtotheLord,thereforehetookhim
quicklyfromthemidstofwickedness
WISdom4:7-1413
TheDeathofaVirtuousYouth
TheDeathofaChild
RobertSardello,cofounderoftheSchoolofSpiritualPsychology,inhislectureson
_SpiritualPsychologyforTheChaliceofReposeProject-SchoolofMusic-Thanantology,
continuallychallengesusasmusician-clinicians toconsiderthespiritualresponsibilitywe
bearasweenterthelifeofanotherintheirfadingmoments. Whatisourcommitmentto
thissoulduringitslasthourscontainedinfleshandbone?Ourownpersonalbeliefs, i.e.
whetherwebelievethatthereisnolifebeyondthisvessel, orthatinstead,thespirit/soul
continuesontocompleteothertasksafterdeath, areadifferentmatterandmaybe
consideredseparatelyfrom, oradjacentto,theissueofourentryintoanother’s lifeinthe
lasthours.WhatisofsignificanceformeastheMusic-Thanantologistinapediatric
environment,isthatIholdsomeimageofthislifetimeandhowitconnectstothelife/death
ofthechildinaveryfirmandconsciousway.AsguidedbydiscussionswithAliceReich
andSharonMurfin, Ihavecometounderstandthatcosmologyhelpstoconstructmeaning
inanyritualsettingandparticularlyinthevigilsetting.”Meaning-makinghelpsprovidea
contextfortheillness,long-termsufferingordeathofachild. Withoutgivingmeaningtoa
life(IreferenceagaintheobituaryforIsabelleintheintroduction),deathmayappeartobea
randomactofcrueltyonthepartofnature.Conversely,onemightspeculatethatthe
responsibilitytoconsciouslyholdanactiveimageofcosmologyislessenedwhenweenter
13RE-FIND
14Reich,March23,2000-AnthorpologyofDeathandDying!Murfin, March28,2000-Hermeneuticsof
Heaven, HellandPurgatory.
10

thevigilspaceofachildwhohascomparativelyfewerchronologicalyearsofgrowthor
presumablyfeweryearsofspiritualandpsychologicaldevelopment. JeffMcMahon,
AssistantProfessorofPhilosophyattheUniversity ofIllinois,inhisessay”Deathandthe
ValueofLife”, exploresbothsidesofthevalueinlifeanddeathandpresentsthefollowing
point:
For,whenapersondiesatthirty-five,thelifeshelosesis
normallyonewithwhichshewouldhavebeenclosely
psychologicallyconnectedandinwhichshewouldhave
enjoyedmanyofthegoodsthatshevalued,desiredand
strivedfor.Butneitherofthesepointsistrueinthecaseof
thelifethatislostwhenapersondiesatonemonth.It
thereforeseemsplausibletosaythatathirty-five-year-old.
standstogainmorefromcontinuingtolivethanaone-
month-olddoes,andthatathirty-five-year-oldlosesmore
throughdeath.Andthisprovidesgoodgroundsforthinking
thatdeathisworseatagethirty-fivethanitisatonemonth.”
Inquantifyingthevalueofthelossoflifetobelessforthechild,itiseasytoextrapolate
thatthelossthroughdeathisalsoless.Manyscholarsandmysticswoulddisagreeonthis
point.TheMusic-Thanantologistswhohavebeenprivilegedenoughtoexperiencethe
wisdomanddeepspiritualunderstandingofchildrenwouldalsosayotherwise.
DuringaseriesofpediatricvigilsattendedbyMusic-ThanantologistsJocelynBotkinand
AnnieBurgard,theremarkablewisdomandspiritualityofonechildwasbroughttolight.16
Thischildwasratheruniqueonmanylevels.BasedonrecordsmaintainedbytheSchoolof
Music-ThanantologyinMissoula, Montana, todate,ourcollectivepediatricexposurehas
beenprimarilylimitedtofairlysuddencatastrophicevents.Thishasbeenhistoricallythe
caseduetothefinepediatricmedicalcenters whichexisttotheWestandSouthof
Montana. Childrenwithcomplex,potentiallycurablediseasesoftendonotremainin
Missoulafortreatment. Instead, theyarereceivedwithgreatcarebyspecialistsinother
partsofthecountry.Suchisthecaseofthisparticularchildwhosevigilswereconducted
15McMahon, Jeff:”DeathandtheValueofLife”inFischer,JohnMartin(ed.),TheMetaphysicsofDeath,
StanfordUniversityPress,Stanford, CA,1993,p.233-266.
16.Botkin,Jocelyn,K.P., ChaliceofReposeProject,Missoula, MT,Vigils1-8,JanuaryandFebruary1997.
Burgard, Annie,K.P.,ChaliceofReposeProject,Missoula,MT,Vigils1-8,JanuaryandFebruary1997.
11

as’rnercy-nms”toanotherstate.Oftheapproximately8pediatricpatientsattendedby
Music-ThanantologistsinMissoula, 3havebeenduetosuddencatastrophicillnessor
accidents(e.g.SIDs,chromosomalabnormality/FragileXSyndrome,suddenheadtrauma).
Therewasoneuniqueinstanceofvigilforadeceasedchildfollowinganorganharvestwith
theremainingvigilsresultingfromlongtermillness(e.g.cancer,leukemia, cerebralpalsy
andjunctionalreentranttachycardia).
Thisyoungfellowwasalsouniqueinthatwewereabletoattendhimwitheightvigilsover
thecourseoftwomercy-runs.Hewasfullyconsciousthroughoutallthevigilsandduring
theinitialvisits(fouroverthreedays)waspresentandengaging. Hisdiagnosiswas
primitiveneuroepidermaltumor”ofthechestcavity.Byagefour,hehad’enduredthree
surgeriesandaggressivechemotherapytreatment'(Botkin, Vigill).WhenChalicewas
calledtoprovidevigils,’hisleftlungwascompletelynon-functionalfromthepressureof
themassivegrowth;hecouldonlydrawbreathfro~asmallportionofhisupperrightlung’
(Botkin, Vigill).
Despitehisphysicalrestrictions,hewas”described[byhisfamily]asbeing’veryconnected
withthespiritworld'”(BotkinVigill).Hewouldoftenspeakopenlyabouthisillnessbut
wasknownfortryingtoshieldhisparents. Hisillnesswasmarkedwithaparticular
repeatedeventwhereinhewouldexperience’fallingoffofacliff’. Hisfatherrelatedthis
story:
[He]askedmethenameofthetownwhereJesusdied,’I
thinkthisisthesameplacewhereIfalloffthecliff’.(Botkin
Vigill)
Containedwithinherclinicalnarrativefromthefourthvigil,AnnieBurgardrelatesher
impressionofthis’falling’:
17A’mercy-run’involvestravelingsomedistancetoattendadyingpersoninacitywherethereareno
practicingMusic-Thanantologists.
18adesignationusedtorefertogroupofmorphologicallysimilarembryonalneoplasmsthatariseinthe
intracranialandperipheralsitesofthenervoussystemandwhichmayshowvariousdegreesofcellular
differentiation;includesmedulloblastoma, pineoblastoma,etc.Stedman’sMedicalDictionary,27thedition,
LipincottWilliams&Wilkins,Baltimore, MD,2000. See:Tumor-primitiveneuroepidermal.
12

Myimaginationisof[him]skippingdangerously,likelittle
boysdo,uponthecraggyrockledge’whereJesusdied’. He
hopshereandthere,thenstandsstill,turningfullfacetoward
thewarmsunshine.Hismotherandfatherstandbelow,arms
andhandsoutstretchedtowardhimshouldhefall,yetallthe
whileknowingwithbreakingheartsthathewillsoonbetoo
farawayforeventheirsteadfastlovetocatchhim.
Thisyoungchild’sspiritualwisdomwasfullyexperiencedandreflectedineachofthe
sixteenclinicalnarratives.Thisisdemonstratedbyhisdeepunderstandingoftheeffectsof
hisillnessonhisfamily,inhisgesturesandactsofcourtesyandcompassiontowardothers,
andinthissimplestatementrecalledbyJocelynduringthefourthvigil(Botkin, Vigil4):
ThenhehadshownushisfavoritebookUncleWiggly.
‘Therearehardlyanypicturesatallinit.That’s soyoucan
makethepicturesupinyourmind.Thathelpsyoutogrow
andlearn.’ [he]said.’It’sveryimportantthatyoukeep
growingandlearning,’ hehadtoldme,lookingdeeplyinto
myeyes’.
Thisyoungfellowisnotaloneinhiswisdom. Thereisasignificantamountofliterature
surroundingchildrenwhoareinthemidstofillness,aswellasthosewhohavearemarkable
foreknowledgeofunexpected, catastrophicdeathanddemonstrategreatunderstanding.”
OnesuchchildwasAndrewJohnson, aseven-year-oldchildofRussianOrthodoxparents.
AndrewwasknownforhisconnectiontotheDivineLiturgyandtheEucharistbytheageof
:fivewhenheaskedtobeanaltarboy.Thepriestunderwhichheserved,Fr.RayVelencia,
questionedtheabilityofachildsoyoungtobesofullypreparedforthetask. Uponseeing
Andrewserve, hesaid:
Letmetellyou,thatAndyservedourLord’stablewithmore
ofasenseofunderstanding,purposeandreverence,than
most,regardlessofwhatage,Ihaveeverseen….fromthe
momentAndydonnedhisrobeandbeganserving, Iknewin
myspiritinthedepthofmybeing,thiswasnoordinaryfive-
year-old. Thiswasnoordinarychildindeed.”
19Seealso:Furth,GregM.,TheSecretWorldofDrawings:HealingThroughArt,Introductionby
ElisabethKubler-RossSigoPress,MA,.1988.
20Johnson,Sandra,God’sChildAndrew,St.Vladimir’sSeminaryPress,Creswood,NewYork,1998,p.2.
13

WhataddstotheremarkablenatureofAndrew’sstoryarethecircumstancessurrounding
hisdeath.Inanattempttomakesenseofhergrief,Andrew’smother,Sandra, reconstructs
hisshortlifeinabook.21 Sherecountsnumeroustimesthatheapproachedthesubjectof
deathandwhatshewouldlatercometoknowashisspecificdeath. AfterAndrew’sdeath,
specificconversationsbegantoreemergeandmakesense.
Anotherfalldayaswewerecominghomefromdaycare,
Andrewturnedtomeandasked,”Mom, whathappenswhen
youareinacaraccident?”Imaginingthathewasthinkingof
afender-bender,Itoldhimthatthecarspulltothesideofthe
roadandexchangeinsuranceinformation. “Butwhat
happensifyouarehurt,”hepressed. Itoldhimanambulance
takesyoutothehospitalandmakesyouallbetter. “Where
dotheytakeyouifyouarealreadydead,”heaskedquietly,
hischinrestingcuppedinhishandsandstaringstraightahead
outthewindow.22
Sometimeafterhisdeath, SandrawaspresentedwithAndrew’sSundaySchoolnotebook.
Itcontainedonlytwoitems.
…myboydrewthesceneoftheaccidentandhimselflying
alongsidetheroadintheexactspotthestretcherhadbeen
locatedwithtwostonessailingintheairtowardhim.Hehad
combinedtheelementsofhisowndeathwiththatofSt.
Stephen, whowasstonedtodeathforhisloveoftheLord.
MyintuitionthatAndrewhadknownhewoulddiewas
confirmed.”
Ican’tsaywithanycertaintythatallchildren liveinthisunusualworldofinnerwisdombut
thepotentialisthere.Todieatsuchayoungageistostillbestandingintheportalbetween
whereonehasjustemergedfromandwhereonemaybegoing.Thislendsitselftothe
notionthatchildrenmaystillberemarkablyconnectedtotheUniversalWisdomwhich
guidesusunderavarietyofnames.Thisexplanationallowstheremarkablenatureof
childrentobegintorevealitselfImarvelatFr.Velencia’scommentregardingAndrewand
hispreparednessforthetask. Inthelargercontexthistaskwasnotonlyhislifeinservice
butalsohisdeathatanearlyage.Heseemstodisplayaprofoundsenseofcalm. Sandra’s
21ibid.
22ibid.page27.
23ibid.page77.
14

remembranceoftheeventsreflectnofearinAndrew,onlyadesiretoexploreand
understandandtobeunitedwithGod.
Withintherealmofthespiritualityofdyingchildren, RudolfSteiner,thefounderofthe
Anthroposophicalmovement,hasveryspecificthoughtsaboutchildrenandearlydeath. In
hislectureOvercomingtheAbyssdeliveredinStuttgart,February20,1913,hediscusses
the’choice’ofachildtoenterthisworldwithformidablechallengesresultinginanearly
death.
Whataboutthesoulswhosuffersuchafatehereonearth,
whoperishinthefloweroftheiryouth, whoaredestroyedby
earlyepidemics?Whataboutthesesouls,whentheypass
throughthegateofdeathintothespiritualworldbeforetheir
timeWelearnthefateofthesesoulswhenwepenetratewith
theeyeoftheseerintotheworkofthespiritswhogivea
forwardimpulsetotheevolutionoftheearth-or,indeed,to
allevolution. Thesespiritsarebeingsofthehigher
hierarchies.Theyhavecertainforces,certainpowersto
advanceevolutionarydevelopment;buttheyarelimitedina
certainwaywithregardtotheseforcesandpowers.
…Thosewhodieanearlydeathhave,assouls,apossibility
beforethem.Letussaytheyhavediedthroughsome
catastrophe;forinstance,theyarerunoverbyanexpress
train.Thebodilysheathistakenfromsuchasoul;thesoulis
nowfreefromitsbody,denudedofitsbody,butitstill
containstheforcesthatwouldhavebeenactiveinthebody
hereonearth. Bygoingintothespiritualworld, suchsouls
carryupwiththemveryspecialforces-forcesthatwouldstill
havebeeneffectivehereonearth, butthathavebeen
prematurelydiverted.Thosewhodieearlycarrywiththem
forcesthatareespeciallyhelpful.Thebeingsofthehigher
hierarchiesthenusetheseforcestosavethesoulswhomthey
cannotsavebytheirownpower,whichisonlysufficientfor
theregularcourseofhumanevolution.2425
24Steiner,Rudolf:OvercomingtheAbyssinChristopherBamford(ed.),StayingConnected-Howto
ContinueYourRelationshipswithThoseWhoHaveDied.AnthroposophicPress,NewYork, NY1999,p.
36.
25Karinv.Schilling,inherbook, WhereAreYou?ComingtoTermswiththeDeathofMyChild,provides
asimplifiedexplanationofthesamecommentary.”Steinersaysthatthelifeforcesofapersondyingyoung
havenotbeenuseduptosustainherlifeforitsfullsixtyorseventyyears,buthaveremainedunused.They
havebeenreleased-givenbacktothecosmos-andnowcanbeusedbyhigherangelicbeingsforthegood
15

Inmanyofhislectures, Steinerstatesthatpartofour’mutualentering-into-relationship’i”
andinteractiveresponsibilitytoourowngrowthandthegrowthofasoulwhichhasmade
itstransitiontothespiritualrealm, comesintheformofLectioDivinaorsacred(spiritual)
reading.27Whatweprovidetothespiritualrealmduringthispracticebecomesnourishment’
forthesesoulsandtheirspiritualdevelopment. Whenaskedspecificallyaboutreadingin
thismannertothesoulsofdeceasedchildren, Steinersaid;
Oneisachildonlyhereonearth. Suprasensoryvision
frequentlyrevealsthatapersonwhodiesatanearlyageis
lesschildlikeinthespiritualworldthanmanywhocrossthe
portalofdeathateighty. 28
MetropolitanAnthonyofSourozh, inhissermon, “TheSufferingandDeathofChildren”,
makesasimilarobservationfromtheOrthodoxperspective.
Soifachildisillatatimewhenwecannotexpectthathewill
consciouslybeawareofwhatisgoingon,orthathewillbeable
tolearnthosethingswhichrequirewill,intellect,maturityof
emotion, anactivefaith,andactivesurrender, itdoesnotmean
thatwhatishappeningtohimwillnotdosomething,willnotbe
itpositiveeventofapositivecontributiontohiseternallife.29
CombiningSteinerbeliefssurroundingtheremarkablegift:whichadyingyouthmakesfor
.thegoodofhumanevolutionandlayingthatalongsidethecommentarybyMetropolitian
AnthonyandthenotionofmusicasaformofLectioDivina, Ibegintowonderatthe
oftheworld,aworldthatisinneedofhealing life-forces,forhumanbeingsworkatitsdestruction.Looked
atfromawiderpointofview,anelementofsacrificeisapparent. Itrequiresmuchselflessconcernforthe
worldandhumanityasawholetoacceptthatthissacrificemayhavehadtobebroughtbyyourownchild.”
Thefollowingquestionwasposedtome:couldweconsiderthattheeffortsofaMusic-Thanantologistat
thebedsideofadyingchildmighteasethedyingprocessinsuchawayastoincreasethereservoirwhich
thehierarchiescandrawfrom?Iamhumbledtohavewitnessedthehardworkinvolvedinreleasingthe
spiritfromthebodyduringthedyingprocess.Atthisyoungplaceinmygrowth,IknowthatIamnot
preparedtosaythatanyoneunderheavencanfullyeasethedyingprocessforanother.Inordertoeven
begintheconversations,Ithinkthatitwouldrequireahealthyrelationshipwithone’sownego.Beyond
that,itcertainlydoesaddadifferentdimensiontoreflectupon.Schilling,KarinV.,WhereAreYou?
ComingtoTermswiththeDeathofMyChild, AnthroposphicPress,Hudson,NY,1988.P.57.
26Steiner,page28. .
27ibid.page27.Seealso:Casey,Michael, SacredReading,TheAncientArtofLectioDivina, Triumph
Books,Liguori. Missouri,1995.
28Steiner,Rudolf;TheLifeoftheDeadinChristopherBamford(ed.),StayingCoIlllected-Howto
ContinueYourRelationshipswithThoseWhoHaveDioo, AnthroposophicPress,NewYork, NY1999, p.
36.
16

potentialcontributionsofthevigil.Whatformofnourishmentmightwebringintheform
ofavigil?Thisspaceoffersthepossibilityofa’mutualentering-into-relationship’foritis
trulyinteractiveonmany levelsdespitesuchcategoriesas’unconscious’or’comatose’.
Forme,thisiswhereitbecomestheresponsibilityoftheMusic-Thanantologisttoexplore
herownpersonalreasonsandlifecircumstances forattendingtothedying.Itisnota
covenanttobetakenlightly.AsindicatedearlierbyRobertSardello,wearecalledto
considerwhywehaveenteredthispathofanotherlifeatthismoment.Ifurtherconsidered
Steiner’sthoughtsanddevelopedmyownimaginationofthecyclefrom’pre-lifeintolife
intoafterlife’orperhapstheflowthroughvariousstagesoflifeanddeathandhowthis
relatestomyresponsibility.Bothrealmsoflifeanddeathareofgreatimportance,differing
onlyinthenatureofourspiritualdevelopmentandhowweimpactthespiritualevolutionof
theworld.Myownimaginationrecognizesaparadoxwhicharises.Fromthemomentof
birth, thephysicalformstrivesformaturity.Throughthisgrowth, thebodygains
knowledgeand,ifweareconsciousandattentive, wemayalsogainwisdom. 30
Theparadox beginstoemergeifweallowourselves toconsiderthatatthepointofbirth, or
evenconception, webeginaperiodofgrowthseparatefromourunitywiththeDivine.The
natureofourphysicalformspeaksofthepossibilitythatwenotonlygrowasaseparate
entity,partitionedfromourDivineCounterpart, wemayevengrowdirectionallyawayfrom
thatconnectionwhichcreatesacavernin-between. Thissetsupaverydeepspiritual
longingforthisBelovedandadesiretoreturntothatconnection. Thelongingfiresa
searchforthemissingbond.Webecomeactiveparticipantsinthereconnection.ByDivine
Graceitisourrighttobeinunion, butnowwemustengageinourhalfoftheresponsibility.
Reflectionandintrospection, prayerandmeditationbegintoinformourrelationshipandin
29Sourozh,No.9,1984. Seealso: ibid.Johnson,1998forreprint.
30Onedefinitionof’knowledge’suppliedbyTheOxfordEnglish Dictionarystates-‘knowledgeofaperson,
thingorperceptiongainedthroughinformationorfactsaboutitratherthanbydirectexperience’.Asecond
definitionreflectsthesimilardistancingfromtheactualpersonorevent;’intellectualacquaintancewithor
perceptionoffactortruth’.Wisdom,ontheotherhand, isdiscussedasfollows;’capacityofjudging
rightlyinmattersrelatingtolifeandconduct;soundnessofjudgmentinthechoiceofmeansandend.’
‘Meansandends’ speaksofadirectandintimaterelationshipwiththeevent. Therearealsodivine
connectionstowisdomwhicharenotassociatedwithknowledge.Simpson,J.A.andWeiner,S.C.(prep.),
TheOxfordEnglishDictionary, SecondEdition, ClaredonPress,Oxford, England,1989.see:VolVITI-
KnowledgeandVol.XXWisdom
I7

themidstofthedistancewebegintore-findtheintimacy.”Containedwithintheparadoxis
alsotheconsiderationthatthefurtherwegrowfromthisuniononthesideofconception,
thecloserwemovetowardare-uniononthesideofdeath.
Thepoetsandmysticsremindusthatthetimebeforebirthandafterdeathistheperiodof
makingwhole,ofre-establishingourunitywithDivineWisdom-Home.Howremarkable
thisistoconsiderthatatthemomentofbirth, achildmightholdadeepunderstandingof
UniversalWISdombutbythenatureofitsphysicallimitations,s/hecan’tshareanyofthe
awesomecontent.ThisspeaksofthesoulbeingatanapexofWisdomwhichregresses, so
tospeak, asthebodyandintellectintheirutter’smallness’movetowardmaturitythrough
knowledge. Birthbecomesapointoffocusmovingintwosomewhatopposingdirections.”
WilliamWordsworth, inhispersonalstrugglestounderstandthelossofhisowngifts,
displaysanunderstandingoftheearthlylifeasamomentbetweenperiodsofspiritual
growthinIntimationsofImmortality:
Ourbirthisbutasleepandaforgetting,
Thesoulthatriseswithus,ourlife’sstar,
Hathhadelsewhereitssetting
Andcomethfromafai.
31Inthiswayweunderstandthemetaphoricalrelationshipbetweentheunionofgoldandclayinthehaloof
theicon. Clay(bole)representsthedirtfromwhichGodreleasedhumanityintheformofAdam. Gold,
pureandpoundedtoanalmosttransparentlayer,istheimageofGodtheDivine.Thetwolayersare
marriedthroughtheadditionofrabbit-hideglueaddedtotheboleinthemixingprocess.Goldinthis
consistencywillbondtoalmostanything, buttheconnectionwillnotbepermanentwithouttheglue. This.
speaksoftheneedforman’s efforttobereflective-containedwithinhimselfandsustained-forthe
relationshipofthegoldandtheclaytobepermanent. Thedirectionoftheapplicationisalsosignificant, as
theproperlypreparedclayandgluemustformthefoundationfortherelationship.Manylayersofboleare
appliedtothesurfaceoftheiconandthensmoothedandsandedwiththefinestgradesofsandpapers. The
surfaceisthenfurtherpreparedbypolishing.Whentheiconographerfeelsthatthesurfaceisready,she
drawsmoistbreathfromdeepinthebodytoactivatetheglue.Thegoldislaidonthemoistenedboleand
withadditionalpolishing,theunioniscomplete.Thisstageofthecreationisparticularlypersonalforthe
iconographerbecausesheiscautionednottocreatetheunion,tocallupthebreath(theHolySpirit)unless
sheispreparedtoseethemirrorofhersoul,forthegolddisplaysandmagnifieseveryimperfectionofthe
preparationoftheclay.Itdoesnottakeastretchoftheimaginationtounderstandthatthelayersareone,
impossibletoseparate,andyetsimultaneouslyarestillcompletelyanduniquelytwo.
32InmymindIhaveconstructedalinearmodelwhichmayillustratemyconsiderationsbutwhichalso
servestolimitmyimaginationoftheprofoundrelationshipbetweenbirthanddeath.Itisforthisreason
thatIhavechosennottoincludethemodelinmypaper. Iam,however, exploringandreflectingonare-
imaginationofthisseparationasaformofSpiritualMitosiswhereinweseparatefromtheDivinewhile
retainingthemostremarkablecodeforrecreatingourselvesinItsimage.Ihopethatthistopicmaybethe
basisforfuturewritings.
18

Notinentireforgetfulness
Noryetinutternakedness
Buttrailingcloudsofglorydowecome
FromGodwhoisourhorne”
Ipausetowonderaboutwhatitisthatwehavefallenasleepto.Whatisforgotten?Asan
adult, Ireceivethisasamemoryorre-collectionofsomethingwhichhasbeenscattered
behindme.IhaveasenseofmyoriginintheDivineConception-somethingbeforemy
birth, beforemyplacementinmymother’swomb.Withthepassingyearstowardsmaturity,
thiswisdomgrowsmoreandmoredistantfromitsoriginasitmovescloserandclosertoits
newbeginningwhichwillbemarkedatmyowndeath. Inquietmomentsofmeditation, I
experiencethesensationofsomethingrushingatmewithremarkablevelocityandyetwhich
alsomovesasthegentlestsummerbreezedecoratedwithblossoms.Thisismymoment
frompre-birthintobirthintopre-deathintodeath. Mygrowthwithinamodernsociety,my
age,myowncarelessdisregardformyrelationshipwiththeDivinekeepsmefromrecalling
andconnectingfullywithmyHome. Therushoftheuniversereintroducesmetothatplace
whereIwillconnectagainwithallWisdomandPurity. Wearedividedinourpresent
existence.Wevaluematurityandageforitsexperienceandyouthforitsbeautynotits
wisdom, innocenceorauthenticity.ThisispartofthereasonwhyIhavefoundithealthyto
exploreandtore-imaginechildhood.
Releasingourselvesfromanylensthroughwhicheachoftheseauthorsandteachershas
spoken, Ibegintoseethateachalludestothespecialcharacteristicsofachildwhichcallus
togreaterattentionandresponsibility duringthepediatricvigil,foritcertainlydoesexpand
ourawarenessabittoconsiderthatachildmaybeahighlyevolvedspiritualbeingina
smallerbody.
33Wordsworth, William.TheCompletePoeticalWorks,MacmillanandCo.,London,England, 1988;
Bartleby. com1999.
19

Iwanttogivehimsomegift,
Breathofmybreath, thelookofmyeyes,
Thisisalluponearth, underheaven,
Icangivehim,achilddying,andIunwise.34
Pain,VulnerabilityandtheSelflessness
As1continuedmyexplorationofthepathtothebedsideofthechild,oneparticulartheme
keptarising-vulnerabilityandselflessness.The’adult’vigilsettingisaplaceof
considerablevulnerability.Withthisinmind,1continuedtowonderabouttheexpectations
inthevigilofadyingchild.Willtheybethesameormagnified?Myownexperienceof
painandvulnerabilityisthattheyshareaunique,symbioticrelationship.Themore
vulnerable1allowmyselftobe,themoreopen1amtotheexperienceofpainandthemore
pain1allowmyselftoencounter,themorevulnerable1become.Thisrelationshipisnot
solelyaninteriorexperiencebutseemstoflowbetweenthepeoplearoundme.Mypainand
vulnerabilitybegsthesameofanycompanionswhowouldtravelwithmeonmyjourney.
Thishappensbyvirtueofouruniversalunderstandingofthepainexperience.Whilemy
painmaybetheproductofmyownparticularmoment, mycompanionscanstillsharein
thatexpressionthroughtheirownre-collection;bythis1meantoemphasizethere-
gatheringaspect,thedrawingbackintoconsciousnessagainandagain. Thisispartofthe
workofvulnerability.’When1amnotinthemidstofpain,Iamhardatworktryingtomask
theexperienceofit.Theclosed-offnatureofouradultlivesseemstonourishthis
avoidancewithinitself.Whenenergyisfocusedonatask,itbecomeseasytoexcludeall
elsefromoursight.Weisolatewell.1isolatewell.Workingtobevulnerable,Iam
requiredtoadjustmyvisioninanefforttore-entertheexperienceofpain.·Itisdemanding,
active,consciousworktostayopen, vulnerableandreceptive.Illnessandlosshavea
particularwayofdoingthisforus.Therehavebeenmomentsinthevigilsettingwhen1
ha~elookedintotheeyesofanotherandwithoutwords,wehaveexchangedaremarkable
instantofknowing.I’velefttheroomwondering’howisitthatIcansuddenlyknowso
muchofthispersonwithoutspeaking?’AndthenItrytoarticulatewhatthisintangible
expressionwas.Ihavenogreaterdepthofunderstandingabouttheirfamilies,theirhomes,
34Eberhart,Richard, ”ToEvan(fragment)”,inImmaculate,C.S.C.,SisterMary,(ed.),TheCryofRachel-
AnAnthologyofElegiesonChildren,RandomHouse,Inc.,NewYork,NY,1966,p.28.
20

theirjoys,theirsorrowsandyetIknowsomethingveryreal.Mysoulhasbeentouched..
Therewasanenormousexchangeofvulnerabilitybybothofus.Wehaveeachdisplayed
somethingofourhumanity.Intheclinicalsetting,ThereseSchroeder-Shekerhasspokenof
a’vulnerabilityscale’whichinsomewaysislikea’painscale’.35Tomeasurevulnerability
isnotsomethingwhichisactivelyrecordedinpatientcharts,butitisthelanguageofthe
Music-Thanantologist.
TheOxfordEnglishDictionaryspeaksofthemedievaloriginofthewordvuln-towound-
astherootofthewordvulnerable-wounding,opentoinjuryorattack, susceptible.The
imageofvulnisthatofthepelicanastheexampleforselflessnessandultimatesacrifice;
that”whichisalwaysdrawnpickingorwoundingherbreast”forthesakeofheryoung.”
Thisrepresentationisamythperhapsstemmingfromsomebasisintruth. Apelicanstore
foodinadistendablebeak. Whenfeedingheryoung,amotherpelicannestlesherbeak
againstherchest.Bydoingthis,shepushesasidethefeathersofherbreast,displayingthe
redfleshhiddenbeneathgivingtheappearanceofdrawingbloodtonourishheryoung.The
alchemicalunderstandingisthatthepelicanself-inflictsawoundinordertodrawblood
fromherownheartandtherebyreturnlifetoherchildren.Astheultimatesacrificeofher
earthlylifeforanother,shebecomesarepresentationforChrist,piercedontheCross,
sheddingHisbloodforthesakeofallofhumanity,aswellasthesymbolforHisSacred
Heart.”InaseriesofplatesentitledTheRetortofGenesis”;thefinalsublimationprocess
35Manyhospitalsnowchartpainasthefifthvitalsign.Theydothisthroughtheuseofvariouschartsor
diagramswhichallowthepatienttoidentifywithlevelsofpaineithervisually,numericallyorverbally.
Thisavenueofdefiningpainplacesanumberorparticularfacialexpressiononthepain.Thesecanbe
fairlystaticrepresentationsplacingpaininanabsolutecategoryand,generallyspeaking,onlywithregard
tophysicalpain.Animaginalrepresentationmightleavemoreroomfortheimaginationtoexplorethe
multi-layeredaspectofpainandsuffering(e.g,soulful,emotional,psychological,spiritual,social,
communal).However,thecurrentdiagramsserveasagoodstartingpointforconversationsbothwiththe
patientandthemedicalcommunityastothenatureofpainmanagement. Itmightbeinterestingto
introducethehospitalsettingtomoreimaginalrepresentationsofthedegreesofpain.Theconversations
andchartingnotesmightbequitedifferent.
36Simpson,lA.andWeiner,S.c.(prep.),TheOxfordEnglishDictionary,SecondEdition,ClaredonPress,
Oxford, England, 1989.see:VolXIX-Vuln,Vulnerable.
37ReferencesaremadetoChristas’nostroPellicano'(ourPelican)inCantoXXVofIIParadisoofThe
DivineComedyspeakingtothenatureofChristasTheRedeemer.WilliamWarrenVernoninhistext
ReadingsontheParadisoofDantequotesSylvester’sFifthDayoftheWeekasfollows”AtypeofChrist,
whosin-thralledmantofree/Becameacaptive,onashamefultree!Self-guiltlessshedHisblood.”This
alsopointstotheself-sacrificing,redemptivequalityofallowingoneselftobe’pierced’forthesakeofthe
world.
21

inthedistillingoflapis,inordertocreatethePhilosopher’sStone”, isrepresentedasthe
pelicanpiercingherselfl”Inalchemy,lapisisconsideredtobethePrimaMateria,thebasis
forallothermaterials.ItisthoughttosufferthesamePassionasChristinits
transformationsintoothermaterials.Thetransformationprocessofthelapisislongand
difficult.”Inordertoobtainthelapis,thealchemisthadtomakeafundamentaldecisionon
whichpathtofollow: theshort’dry’pathinwhichtheseparationofmattertookplace
undertheinfluenceofexternalheatandtheinvolvementofasecret’innerfire’,anda’wet’
path,whichwasmuchlongerandledtoitsgoalthroughmanydistillations.,,41Thedeathof
achildmaybeviewedinthismanner.AchildisallpotentialandisPrimaMateriaInthe
dyingprocess,theysufferagreatpassionandaretransformed.Thepathoftheirsuffering
maytakemanyoverlappingformsandasksforaparticulartypeofhonest,authentic
companionship.
AsaMusic-Thanantologistpreparingmyselftogotothebedside,1workwithanimageof
myownvulnerabilitywhichrevealsmyheartmorefreely.”Inordertobeacompanionon
.thisjourney,Iattempttopreparefortherequestwhichwillbemadeofme-thatofa
selflessoffering.Idon’talwaysmeettherequestwiththefullnessofmybeing,butthatis

partofthepractice.SomedaysIamself-consciousofpitchortuning.SomedaysIamnot
abletoreleasemyworldlyconcernsenoughtobefullypresent.SomedaysIamsimply
afraidtomeetmyself.Thepracticebecomesoneofrelease. Iworktoletgooftheinner
talkthroughdistillationandtomakepurethepathbyfire(e.g.reflection, meditation, etc.)
orbymoisture(e.g.tears, ritualcleansing, etc.). Inthedistillationprocess, Iattemptto
38Retort-vesselinWhichsubstancesaresubjectedtohightemperatureforpurposesofdistillationor
decomposition.
39ThePhilosopher’sStoneisChristinoneofHismanyforms.ItisthefoundationfortheTemplein
Jerusalem. ItisthebasisfortheDivineaspectofnumbers,architectureandform.Itistheultimate
refinementofNature.ItisPurification.PerhapsitisourHomeinGodwhichWordsworthspeaksof
40Roob,Alexander, AlchemyandMysticism,Taschen,Koln,1997.
41ibid.p.126.
42Theseimagesarederivedfrommyownyogapracticeandreflection,whereinparticularpostures(asana)
aredevelopedspecificallytorevealtheheartwhichisgenerallyprotectedbyfoldedarms,concealedunder
layersofmuscleandboneorhiddeninthemanyinterpersonalandintrapersonalsafeguards. Theseasana
askmetophysicallyholdopenandrevealtheregionofmyheart.Thisallowsmetoreflectinadeepway
onthevulnerabilityandhowdemandingitistomaintainthesepostures.Inthevigilsetting,Itrytobring
intoactionallthatIhavepreparedinmyreflections.Thisgivesmeaverysmallinsightintohow
demandingitisforachildtoholdtheasanaofdying.
22

releasetheobstacleswhichkeepmefrombeingfullypresentatthebedside.Thesearethe
encountersIhavewithmyself.Therearealsoencounterswiththeother-theonetowhom
Iamattending.ThispersonisofteninfinitelymorerevealedthanIam.Theirvulnerability
isunmistakableandyet,atthesametime,iseasilyoverlookedinthetask-oriented,focused
day.Theyhavebeenpiercedtimeandagain. Theymayshedlayeruponlayeroftheselfas
theymoveintodeath.ThisbecomesvisiblefortheMusic-Thanantologistasweenterinto
themusicalconversation.Thedyingpersondisclosessomuchofthepresentmomentas
theyguidemetodrawthemusicfromtheharpandmybody.Inthevigilsetting,Itrytobe
consciousandrespectfulofhowfarIampermittedtojourneyintoanunfoldingheart-mine
orsomeoneelse’s. Itrytobeconsciousofthoseseekingtoentermine. Thedyingperson
andIbothtreadtenderly hereforitisamazinghowswiftlyonecantravel inanhour.Itis
inthesemomentsthat,I reflectagainonRobertSardello’s mandatetoconsiderwhywe
enterthelifeofanotheratthismoment.Forme,onsomelevel, ithastodowithalesson
onhumanity andbeingengaged..Whyisitsodemandingtobethispresent?Whydoesit
hurtsomuchtopermitourownvulnerability?Whydoesithurttoseethevulnerabilityof
othersopenlydisplayedandsometimesignored?Idon’t knowtheanswerstothese
questionsandperhapstherearenone.Byholdingthemopen, Ileavespaceformany
answerstoformratherthanreturningtomyfamiliartask-orientedmind.InthiswayIavoid
developingonestaticanswerwhichplacesboundariesandleaveslittleroomforpotential.
Inconsideringthepediatricvigil,Ithinkthatmanyoftheseaspectscouldbemagnified.My
visionoftheauthenticnatureofthechildasksforthis.Theheartofachildmaynothave
hadthetimeorexperiencetoencourageittocloseorbecomeprotected.Ithinkthesoulof
achildstartsfromanopenpositionandcontinuestounfoldlikeaflowermovingthrough
thestagesofitsprime.”Adyingchildlivesinaconstantstateofbeingpierced;physically
throughmedicalprocedures;emotionallyandpsychologicallythroughtherealityofthe
familydynamicssurroundingtheillness;andspirituallythroughtheconsiderationsofone’s
ownmortality.Thechildsitsinahighlysensitizedseat.Fromhereitalsoseemsasifthe
43Itseemstomethattheimagesofunfoldmentandactivelyrevealinglayeruponlayertothecoreofferone
possibleseriesforavulnerabilityscale. Perhapsitisalotusflowergrowingthroughthelayersofmudand
openingtodisplaysomethingsobeautifulthattheimageofvulnerabilityisredeemedandprized.
23

vulnerabilityisheightenedbythepracticewithinoursocietytocontinueaggressivemedical
treatmentforterminally-illchildren. 44Iamremindedofrecentconversationwithapediatric
oncologistatamajormetropolitancancer-carecenter. IndiscussingtheworkoftheMusic-
Thanantologistsheremarkedwithsuretythat’childrendon’t diehere.’ Thisisobviously
notentirelytrue,thoughthesuccessrateforcareofchildrenwithcancerhasimproved.
dramatically.Thestatisticsindicatethe75percentofchildrenwithcancersurvive.”But,I
knowthatsomewhere,childrenstilldie.Ontheonehand, itisadmirableandvaliantto
fight,withoutrest,forthelifewhichremainsinadyingchild.Itisequallyvaliantto
embracetherealityofdeath. 46
Thisbringsmefullcircletothenotionofwhataremarkableandselflessgiftitcouldbeto
theheartoftheworldforevenonesoultogaveitslifeinordertoreconcilethatwhichis
lostorsuffering.Inthisway,IreflectbackonSteiner’sconsiderationsandthepossibility
thatbeforebirth, achildmaychoosetoentertheworldforonlyashorttimesothats/hecan
contributetosomegreatergiftofGrace.Inreality,Idon’tknowtheultimateTruthofmy
ownconsiderations,butIdotrustmyowninnerexperienceofthesereflections.Iknow
thatthisexplorationhasclarifiedmyopennesstoviewallofhumanityinadifferentway. It
givesmepausetowonderaboutthesoulswhichmayhavemadesacrificesformygood.
1broughthewritingprocess,Ihavetraveledaremarkablesouljourney.Afewmonthsago,
IwasonlyabletoarticulatethatIknewtheworkoftheMusic-Thanantologistneededtobe
44ThefollowingcommentwasdrawnfromtheConclusionoftheearliermentionedarticleinTheNew
EnglandJournalofMedicine.”Childrenwhodieofcancerreceiveaggressivetreatmentattheendoflife.
Manyhavesubstantialsufferinginthelastmonthoflife, andattemptstocontroltheirsymptomsareoften
unsuccessful. Greaterattentionmustbepaidtopalliativecareforchildrenwhoaredyingofcancer.”
Further,thearticlegoesontostatethefollowingwithregardtoaggressivetreatments. “Thecareof
childrenattheendoflifemaybeparticularlycomplex.Formostchildrenwithcancer,theprimarygoalof
treatmentistoachieveacure. Considerationsofthetoxicityoftherapy, thequalityoflife,growthand
developmentareusuallysecondtothisgoal. Asaresult,itmaybedifficultforphysicianstochangetheir
focusevenwhenthereislittlehopeofcure.”
45ibid.p.326.
46FromasectionofthesamearticleentitledPatternsofCareattheEndofLife:”Adiscussionofhospice
carewasdocumentedinthechartsofabouttwothirdsofthechildrenwhodiedofprogressivediseaseand
hadoccurredanaverageof58.1daysbeforedeath.”Thesestatisticsreinforcetheearlierpointssurrounding
thedifficultchoicetoallowachildtomoveintoapeacefuldeath. Itisachallengetoembracedeathandto
relinquishourgrasponthepotentialcontainedinachild.
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activelytakentothebedsideofdyingchildren.ThroughmyexplorationIhaveplacedmy
callingatthecenterofmyheartandgivenitachancetosound.”
47IntheKundaliniYogaSystemthefourthchakraistheheartchakra. Containedinthehieroglyphforthis
chakraisasinglemusicalnote.Thisistheunstrucknote.Itispotential.
25

TheDyingChild
HansChristianAndersen”
Mother, Imustsleep,Iamsotired;
Letmefallasleepuponyourheart.
Don’tcryso-Oh,motheryoumustpromise,
Foryourteardropsmakemycheeksmart.
Itissocold;andoutsideisstorming,
Butinmydreamstheloveliestcountrylies,
Filledwithcrowdsoflittleangel-children
WhoplaywithmewhenIshutmyeyes.
Mother, doyouseetheangelwaiting?
Istheresingingonadistantchord?
Look, theangel’stwowingsshinesowhitely,
SurelyhereceivedthemfromourLord
Whatisallthegreenandredandyellow?
Theyareflowersdroppingfromthesky.
ShallIhavebigwingslikethegoodangel
Now;ormustIwaituntilIdie?
Ohwhydoyousqueezemyhandsotightly?
Whydoyouputyourcheektomine,andmoan?
Itiswet,andyetitbumslikefire.
Mother,Ishallalwaysbeyourown.
Nowyoumustnotsobsoanylonger;
Whenyoucry,Igrowassadascanbe.
Imustclosemyeyes-Iamsotired-
Mother-look!-theangel’s kissingme.
48’TheDyingChild'(DetdoendoBarn)1828,wasHansChristianAndersen’s firstpublishedpoem.
Immaculate,SisterMary,C.S.C.,1966,p.30.
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